


Wait.

by mw4vt9



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Starts agentreign, agentcorp endgame, this is going to be angsty people
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2019-06-16 16:38:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15441264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mw4vt9/pseuds/mw4vt9
Summary: For those of you that have read the first chapter of "I Need A Girl Like You," you are going to realize that the first chapter of that story and the first chapter of this one are exactly the same.  When I wrote this chapter, I hadn't yet decided if I wanted to be Alex x Lena endgame or Alex x Sam endgame.  I realized after posting it with the Alex x Sam endgame version that there are many people who want more Alex x Lena.  So, I've decided to follow my original plan and write two different versions of the same story with one being an Alex x Lena endgame and one being Alex x Sam.  If you are reading both, I hope this isn't confusing.For this story, here is the summary: When Sam and Ruby leaves, Alex is devastated.  Her sadness over the breakup and Lena's sadness over her break up with James lead the two of them together in an unlikely friendship that turns out to be so much more than that.  When Sam returns six months later, the status and future of their relationship gets called into question, Alex unsure if she should follow what she now wants or what she wanted so bad six months ago.





	1. Dirty looks from your mother

Alex can’t help the shaky breath that she releases causing the ice in her scotch to click back and forth within the glass. The tear is fresh at the corner of her eye, and she takes another shuddering breath to try to stop it. She has to blink though, and the tear falls down her cheek, rolling slowly around her chin.

Thirty minutes ago, she’d said goodbye to Ruby, goodbye to a child that she came to love dearly over the last few months. She’d held Ruby tight, promising to call, promising to write, and knew that more than anything Ruby’s interest in doing that would fade over time. Sam had said goodbye too, pulling Alex into a hug, and telling her thank you over and over again. Sam would come back to visit. She just needed to get out of National City, away from all of the trauma of what happened with Reign. She needed a fresh start, Ruby needed a place free from everything that had happened to her here. Sam just couldn’t stay. Ruby had to go. Alex didn’t want them to leave at all.

She’d tried to deny it, tried to chalk it up to loving Ruby, but she couldn’t anymore. She’d felt it for the first time when she’d handed Sam that lollipop while she sat on the MRI machine. The smile Sam had given her was sweet, riddled with possibility. Alex had felt it when she saw Sam in the dark forest deep within her own conscious. She’d felt sympathy, fear, but most importantly a longing to take Sam into her arms, console her, make it right. Alex had felt it when the three Kryptonians had attacked at the DEO, the need to run to Sam and Ruby to check on them even as she’d dragged herself away to deal with the problem they currently faced. 

She’d hugged Sam one final time before she’d left the goodbye party Kara had planned for the two of them. Sam had held her tight, arms wrapped around her shoulders. Alex could still feel the tingle and warmth just below her neck where Sam’s fingers had rested. The words had been simple. “I’ll miss you Alex,” was all Sam had said as she pulled away, smiling a smile at Alex that spoke volumes for how she felt inside. Now, Alex just felt empty as she took another drink from her glass letting the taste of scotch burn away the pain she felt for everything they could have been.

__

Alex thought she was dreaming as the sound of someone knocking on her door rang throughout the apartment. She could feel the weight of a drunken sleep trying to pull her back under even as the knock happened again. Alex turned over, blurred vision trying to read the clock on the nightstand. It was past two in the morning, Alex had fallen asleep somewhere after midnight. The scotch bottle still sat next to her glass on the coffee table. The knock sounded again, and Alex moved to stand, stretching her arms over her head until her back popped.

She moved towards the door, eyeing her gun that sat on the table next to it the entire time just in case. Alex checked the peephole and felt her heart rate pick up seeing Sam standing in the hallway. She took a deep breath to steady herself as she ran a hand through her hair to try to look presentable.

Alex opens the door slowly even as a smile threatens to break out on her face at the sight of Sam. Honestly, Alex hadn’t expected to ever see her again. Now, she’s standing in her hallway wearing pajama pants and a sweat shirt, smiling softly in Alex’s direction.

“Can I come in?” Sam asks, and Alex realizes that she’s been staring at her for too long. Alex moves out of the way, feeling the softness of Sam’s sweatshirt as she brushes past her into the apartment. Alex closes the door softly behind her, taking her time to turn around to face the woman that she hasn’t been able to stop thinking about.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Sam whispers, arms firmly crossed over her stomach, nerves clear by the quiver in her voice.

Alex opens her mouth for a second before she closes it again. She shuffles towards the couch, registering Sam following close behind her.

Their knees touch when they sit down, and Alex just waits for Sam to speak. The silence is heavy in the room.

“I wanted to thank you again,” Sam beings to say, but Alex holds a hand up to stop her.

“You don’t have to thank me Sam,” Alex says, “I love Ruby. I wanted to help. I’d do it again without question.”

“I know,” Sam whispers, eyes locking with Alex’s. The stare is intense, but Alex can’t make herself turn away even if she wanted to.

It’s another split second before Sam moves quickly, rushing forward to crash her lips into Alex’s, fingertips holding tight to Alex’s face.

Alex’s first instinct is to move away, but she resists it. Instead she lets herself melt into it, wrapping her arms around Sam’s waist to pull her closer. The kiss is everything she ever imagined it would be. It feels like hope. It feels like promise. It feels like confirmation of what Alex knew deep inside this could be.

Sam pulls back, an almost imperceptible distance between their lips. Their eyes lock again, and Alex knows she’s never seen Sam’s eyes this dark. All it takes is a simple nod from Alex before Sam moves forward again, lips coming together.

Alex’s brain stops working completely as Sam clamors into her lap, straddling her while her fingers tangle into her hair. Sam pulls, tilting Alex’s head up more before biting at her bottom lip. Alex opens her mouth, eagerly meeting Sam’s tongue with her own. This kiss feels like a promise, like a whisper of something beautiful echoing through the night. This kiss feels like a future, like whispered I love yous on quiet Sunday mornings. It feels like weddings and children and a house in the suburbs. All these images fly through Alex’s head as they kiss.

She stands, feeling Sam’s weight settle into her arms as she stumbles towards her bed. The two stairs to her bed is nothing as Alex continues to kiss Sam. Alex tumbles down on top of her barely breaking the kiss as she rests her weight on Sam when they finally reach the bed. In that moment, Alex’s weight resting down on Sam’s, it feels like a forever that they’ll never get to experience.

__

Hours later Alex finally catches her breath, Sam’s head resting on her shoulder as they both stay quiet. Sam tilts her head up, pressing a soft kiss to Alex’s lips. It feels like a promise that she’ll never be able to keep.  
__

When Alex wakes up later that morning mouth dry and starving, she knows immediately that Sam won’t be there. She lets her hand run over the sheets, already cold from the time they’d been exposed to the room air.

Alex just takes deep breaths, in and out before she opens her eyes slowly. There’s a folded up piece of paper sitting on top of the pillow Sam’s head had rested on just hours before. Alex opens it slowly, already feeling the tears welling up in her eyes.

Alex,

There is so much I want to say to you. As I sit here and watch you sleep I know one thing without question, I love you.

Sam

Alex holds the piece of paper tighter knowing Sam is already on the road to Metropolis with Ruby in tow.

“I love you too,” Alex whispers as the tears begin to fall down her face.

The salty tears that sting her eyes take like goodbye, taste like a future they’ll never get to experience, and taste like a heartache that Alex isn’t really sure she’ll ever get over.


	2. Never seen you in a dress that color, no.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quick Note: Chapter two of INAGLY and Wait are the same. Will be the same until chapter 13 when a decision has to be made. INAGLY is AgentReign endgame. Wait is AgentCorp endgame. Hope you enjoy!!

Alex trains harder when Monday morning comes around than she has in years. She lets the burn of her muscles as fists connect to the punching bag calm her from her racing thoughts. The weekend had been the absolute worst she'd even experienced. She'd fallen asleep, fingers clutching Sam's note, nothing but dreams of a life they'd never get to live filling her head. She'd used the burn of alcohol to calm her nerves by the time Saturday night rolled around, but she hadn't been able to finish the first glass. Scotch tasted like Sam now. The first sip tastes like a mixture of scotch and minty toothpaste as her tongue had slid against Sam's inside her hot mouth. The second sip tastes like the mixture of scotch and Sam's wetness sliding over Alex's tongue as she'd brought her racing towards her second orgasm. The third sip tastes like heartaches, like Sam walking out after telling her she loved her to never be seen again.

Alex had done everything she could on Sunday to stay distracted. She'd washed dishes, done laundry, gone for two different runs, and even attempted to read a book. She'd been unable to focus on any of it. Her memory flashed with images. Images of Sam's hair splayed out on the pillow below her, the image of Sam's dark eyes grinning up at her from between her legs, the image of Sam's face as she came. The worst sensations were the feelings. Alex could still feel Sam's mouth on hers, still feel her fingernails scratching down her back, and still feel the warmth inside of her as Alex's fingers had slipping into Sam.

She'd finally pulled out her phone at eight when she couldn't take it anymore, running over Sam's number before quickly pulling her finger away to scroll to Lena's.

"I can't take this," she'd sent to Lena, knowing that the dark haired CEO had been well aware of Sam's feelings for Alex.

"I miss her too," had been the reply that came seconds later, and Alex just let the phone fall to her chest, releasing a breath that made her heart ache more than it had.

__

"Lunch?" Kara asks, skipping over to the console that Alex monitored, completely unaware of the turmoil inside her sister's head.

"I'm good," came Alex's curt nod, not really in the mood to talk.

"Come on," Kara responds, reaching over to grab Alex's arm to shake it lightly. "I told Lena we'd meet her for lunch."

"Should have asked me first," Alex responds, nodding her head before she turns to walk away. Sam was the only thing she'd had in common with Lena, and it certainly was not a topic she wanted to broach at all in the clear light of day with no alcohol to give her the courage. 

Kara knows when to push, and she knows when to leave Alex alone so she does, just shaking her head as she watches her sister walk away.

__

'You could have joined us today,' Lena texts her, 'I know you don't want to talk about Sam.'

Alex begins to type a response until she stops, throwing her phone across the couch into the cushion, not even a little bit interested in getting that started.

She hears it ding again but ignores it in favor of grabbing another drink of tequila, vowing to stay far away from scotch now.

When Alex finally retrieves her phone two hours later, she has to squint her eye to read the names. There's another text from Lena that says she's here if Alex needs her which makes the redhead scoff hard. Alex's eyes immediately well up with tears when she sees the second name on the screen. She debates opening the message at all until she can't stop herself. It's from Ruby, a simple picture of her bedroom followed by a selfie of a smiling Ruby, and it shatters the small amount of resolve Alex had been holding onto. She grips her drink hard in her hand, tears flowing easily out of her eyes. The tears taste like a future with Ruby and Alex that won't happen. Because there's an alternate universe out there where Reign never happened, where Alex is lying in bed wrapped around Sam instead of drinking tequila on the couch by herself, and worst of all a world where Alex would have been standing in Ruby's room getting the tour of the new decorations instead of looking at them through a phone.

'It looks great kid,' Alex texts back before downing the glass in one sip. She stumbles to bed, falling into the freshly clean sheets. Her senses are assaulted with Sam. She can feel Sam's hair tickling her cheek, can smell her perfume, can see her dark brown eyes, can hear the soft breaths increasing in intensity as they landed on her cheek, and can feel the weight of Sam's body on top of her. All of it makes Alex dizzy until she can't get out of the bed fast enough. She throws herself back down on the couch, closing her eyes tight, and wills herself not to dream about Sam at all.

__

On Tuesday Alex goes for a six mile run before the sun even comes up, spends her morning punching a punching bag harder than she ever has before, and spends her afternoon going out in the field even though it's a simple mission to catch an alien that isn't even dangerous but couldn't stop robbing convenience stores. By the time she finally gets home, her muscles burn with the exertion of the day, her stomach growls due to lack of food, and her heart aches with the memories that she's trying desperately hard to ignore.

She forces herself to eat a banana before grabbing a beer, back hitting the couch hard when she sits down. Alex knows she's not sleeping in her bed anytime soon so she props her feet up on the coffee table, intent to get some shut eye on the couch. She sips slowly at her beer, letting it calm her as it settles into her stomach. As Alex is taking her second sip, her phone dings. She sees Ruby's name the minute her heart speeds up at it. It's a picture of Ruby holding a sign that says 'first day of seventh grade'. The teenager is smiling but looks completely over it at the same time. Alex smiles for the first time in four days at the sight of her. Those thoughts quickly transform to another little girl, smaller than Ruby, holding up a first day of kindergarten sign, and beaming up at her parents. A little girl who will never exist. Alex shudders out a deep breath, the possibilities endless in her mind of what they could have been. She texts back quickly, 'I hope you had a great day today kid,' before her face falls into her hands, tears already streaming down her face. When Alex tries to fall asleep that night, the memory of Sam climbing into her lap, of Sam's fingers tangling into her hair, of Sam's lips teasing at her own assaults her. Alex sleeps on the floor.

__

Alex feels like a ticking time bomb by the time Friday rolls around, wound up in a way that she hasn't been in recent memory. She wants to scream. She wants to lash out. She wants to drink. More than anything she feels exhausted and just wants to sleep without seeing Sam's face. The only time Alex is able to forget is when she's exerting herself. When she's running full speed, lifting heavier than she ever has before, or jumping higher than she ever has her mind is completely free of Sam. It's pushed her into the gym and off on runs more than she ever has, the definition already showing more in her muscles from just the week of extra training. The thought that the lack of eating also has something to do with it filters through her head, but she pushes that aside content to lace up her shoes and head for another long run. She showers at the DEO, not really interested in going home. She doesn't know where to go. Kara wants to talk too much about everything, and Alex certainly isn't ready to rehash any of what happened with her overly caring sister. James is a no go after Alex hears about his break up with Lena the day before; not interested at all in wallowing in a broken heart with a guy that she knows so little about. Winn's gone to the future, and Brainy isn't someone close enough to do something like this with.

Just as Alex walks up to her car, she feels her phone vibrate in her pocket. Sam's name takes her breath away, hot tears already filling her eyes at the sight of it. Alex had been close so many times that week to just pressing the button, telling Sam that she wanted her to come back, that she missed her, that they could make this work. Alex had never done it knowing she was never leaving National City and Sam would never come back. She slides the phone open, taking a deep breath and holding it before finally looking down to read the message.

'I miss you,' is all it says, but Alex feels it like a thousand shots right through her heart. It's impulsive, but Alex can't help it. She throws the phone to the ground, smashing it with one quick movement down, feeling the glass crunch under her boot. Alex leaves the phone in the DEO parking lot, jumping into her car, and heading to the only place where she knows she'll be able to drink if she wants to, talk if she wants to, and just exist in silence if she wants to.

__

Lena doesn't say a word as she opens the door and steps out of Alex's way. Alex can see the redness on Lena's face, the tear stains that run down her cheeks, and the soft sweatpants that she never wears.

Lena inclines her head to indicate something behind Alex. The redhead turns, senses immediately assaulted with the smell of scotch.

"Got any whiskey?" Alex says, the first time she's said anything since entering the apartment.

Lena doesn't answer, just moves to the liquor cabinet pulling out a bottle of Jack Daniels to hand over to Alex. Alex takes it, pouring herself a glass, and knocking it back before filling it up again. Whiskey doesn't taste that Sam, and that is all Alex can ask for in that simple moment. Alex can feel Lena pouring herself a glass of the whiskey next to her, following the black haired woman as she walks to sit down on the couch, bringing the bottle with them.

Alex sits down, takes a slow sip of her drink as she tries to calm her racing thoughts. The second drink is consumed, neither one of them say anything. The third drink goes down, and Alex finds herself scooting closer to Lena, a war raging inside of her about wanting to be close but wanting to be far, far away from anyone at the same time. When she finishes her fourth drink, Alex finally opens her mouth.

"She told me she loved me," Alex whispers, barely able to raise her voice at the emotion that floods her at the words. "Wait, fuck," Alex says, harsher than she intends to, "she didn't even say that. She wrote it."

Lena's quiet for a long minute, waiting to see if Alex continues. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Alex shakes her head before the words come pouring out of her mouth anyway. "She kissed me Lena," Alex rushes. "She kissed me on my couch, and I can't even look at a piece of furniture anymore because of it. She spent the night in my bed, and I can't even fucking sleep in it anymore. I jump whenever my phone buzzes hoping it's her telling me she's coming back." Alex takes in a hard breath. "Why didn't she just fucking leave?" Alex almost yells, wiping at hot tears that fall down her cheeks. Alex can't believe she's crying in front of Lena, a woman she barely knows, but the tears fall freely.

Lena looks at Alex, sympathy in her eyes that makes Alex burn with anger. "It isn't your fault," Lena whispers. Alex gets angrier for a second before she realizes suddenly that it calms her, decreases her heart rate, and gives her pause.

"It isn't your fault that Sam fell for you. It isn't your fault that Sam kissed you or that you kissed her back. It isn't your fault that Reign happened. Alex," Lena says leveling a look at the Agent, "none of this is your fault."

"Why does it feel so awful?" Alex asks, slumping backwards into the couch, hands covering her face to wipe at the tears.

"Because you love her too," Lena answers. Both sit quietly for a long time, Alex draining the bottle when she fills up her glass after filling Lena's. Alex can feel the buzz, feels completely uncomfortable in her own skin as her eyes connect with Lena's.

"What happened?" Alex finally asks, knowing Lena's tears have something to do with James.

"I ended it," Lena says. "He wanted nothing more than to be Guardian publicly. I can't fault him for that, but I also can't be in the public eye with a vigilante. It's bad for the company, and it's dangerous for me."

"Did you love him?" Alex asks, and Lena quickly shakes her head.

"No," she whispers, "not yet." The silence stretches between them again until Alex has to do something. Maybe it's the big sister in her, maybe it's the fearless protector, maybe it's the whiskey. She throws her arm around Lena, pulling Lena into her. She expects a protest, but the CEO just curls into Alex's side, burying her face into the soft cotton of Alex's shirt.

Lena cries hard, body shaking as the tears soak Alex's shirt. Alex cries quietly, soft tears running down her face as she wonders where they both went wrong.

"This isn't your fault either," Alex whispers into Lena's hair, running her hand up and down Lena's back in a way that she hopes more than anything is soothing.

"I broke up with him," Lena says, voice horse from crying.

"For the right reasons though," Alex says. "You knew it wasn't going to work and ended it. It's admirable even though it hurts."

"Why'd you come here?" Lena asks, slowly moving away from Alex even though her arm continues to rest on Lena's shoulder.

"Kara would want to talk it out and solve the problem. I'm not in the mood for that," Alex answers honestly, downing the rest of her glass. It warms her stomach, body fuzzy with the sensation of being drunk. "She'd want me to stay sober and figure it out."

"What do you want?" Lena asks.

"I close my eyes, and I see her face," Alex responds, still rubbing her hand up and down Lena's back. "I can't sleep in my bed. I can't even brush up against someone without comparing it to how different it feels compared to her touch."

Lena's quiet as she watches Alex process her words. "She texted me earlier and told me she missed me," Alex finally says. "I don't want to miss her."

Lena sits quietly, and Alex has never been more thankful. She knows what Kara would say. She'd tell Alex that she'd feel better, that she'd miss Sam less the longer she was gone, that she'd find someone else one day, and that she should just get out there. Lena says none of that. She just sits next to Alex, placing a warm hand on her knee. It's completely silent, no whispered promises of a better future, no reassurances that Lena couldn't possibly know were true.

Instead, Lena stands, reaching down to pull Alex down the hall to her bedroom with her. "Stay here," Lena says. Most would assume it's a proposition, but Alex knows what it is. She'd said she couldn't sleep in her own bed. Lena offers hers to give the Agent a reprieve from the endless onslaught of memories and the emotions that come along with them.

Alex musters the best smile she can, peeling off her shirt and jeans to get comfortable. She crawls into Lena's bed, groaning at the softness of the mattress, the coolness of the sheets, and the softness of the blanket.

She feels the bed shift a minute later as Lena climbs in keeping about a foot of space between them. Alex surprises herself when she rolls over and scoots closer, pressing her front into Lena's back. She throws as arm over Lena's torso, tucking the other under her head. Alex lies there quietly, listening softly as Lena's breaking slows and evens out. Alex knows it's unconscious when Lena pushes back into her further. 

Alex lets her eyes close letting her senses take over. Lena's perfume overwhelms her memory of Sam's that still lingers on Alex's sheets. Lena's warm skin pressed into Alex's blankets her memory of Sam's soft, tanned skin. Lena's breathing pattern is different than Sam's, softer, and Alex is thankful for it as she focuses on the sound. Alex feels herself drifting off to sleep pretending that Lena's heartbeat is enough to drown out the sound of Sam's.


	3. It's a special occasion, not invited but I'm glad I made it.

Alex wakes up the next morning and barely picks her feet up to head into the kitchen, nervous at the reaction Lena will have to Alex using her as a teddy bear. She registers that she feels more rested this morning than she has in a week even if the reason for her need to sleep somewhere else still makes her stomach drop uneasily in her chest. She's less hungover than she thought she would be, hoping that the burn of whiskey will sear away the memory of scotch.

Alex sports a sheepish smile when she enters the kitchen as she makes eye contact with Lena. Lena who is already completely dressed. Lena who is nursing a cup of coffee and a plate full of fruit. She doesn't say much to Alex, just slides another cup of coffee across the table to the waiting redhead. Alex takes the handle of the cup between her fingers, twirling the cup a few times in circles watching the liquid slosh side to side. She watches the coffee for too long. She can feel Lena's eyes on her, staring at the top of Alex's head where she continues to look down.

"Thank you," Alex finally whispers, finally looking up to meet Lena's gaze. She finds concern there which shakes her, a nervous smile already appearing on her lips.

"Of course," Lena responds, pushing the plate of fruit across the table. Alex just stares at it, wondering exactly when she last had something to eat. She nibbles on a strawberry, her stomach letting out a happy groan at the food.

"It's Saturday," Alex finally says, gesturing to Lena's dress.

"I work everyday Agent," Lena responds, finishing her coffee in one more sip, grinning at Alex over the use of the word. Lena knows Alex is new the Director of the DEO. Some habits die hard. "I'll be back this evening," Lena says, moving to pick up her purse. Alex stops halfway to raising another grape to her mouth at the words. Alex's face must show the panic that she feels because Lena releases her purse, stepping around the corner of the counter to be closer to Alex. "I'm sorry to assume," Lena begins. "I didn't think you'd want to go home based on why you were here last night. I have Netflix and plenty of food. You're more than welcome to stay here as long as you'd like."

"Thank you," Alex whispers, tears already clouding her eyes at the reason she can't just go home.

"You're welcome," Lena responds, and Alex knows it's sincere. It warms her chest slightly at the compassion, having someone who cares without being overwhelming and overbearing. "One more thing," Lena says as she reaches to pull a brand new phone from her purse. "It's already got your contacts on it."

Alex reaches out to take it, running her fingers over the cool casing of the device, exactly the same as the one she'd destroyed the night before. Lena didn't wait for a thank you. Alex had never been more grateful for someone.

__

Alex took Lena's offer for what it was and stayed. She'd gone for a run and done some weight lifting at the gym on the first floor that was nicer than the one at the DEO or the other one that Alex paid fifty bucks a month to go to. She'd taken a long, hot bath in the massive tub in Lena's guest room, letting the warm water try to relax her racing thoughts about Sam still being gone, Sam smiling down at her from her place perched above her, and Sam never ever coming back. Lena's housekeeper had come in around noon making Alex lunch and promising she'd be back at dinner to cook for them both. Alex could certainly get used to this type of life. Alex nearly jumped out of her skin when her phone chimed.

Kara: You ok?

Alex hovered over the buttons, not sure how to answer her sister. Honestly, no, she wasn't ok at all. Would she be? Maybe one day. Saying yes, she was fine seemed to trivialize how she felt, make the emotion coursing through her seem less important than the true weight they carried.

Alex: No.

She saw the dots pop up to indicate Kara's typing before they disappeared, Alex sucking in a breath to see what her sister would say.

Kara: Let me know if you need anything. I love you.

Alex let the breath out slowly, knowing that her sister was massively holding out her need to fix things. She meant well, but there was no fixing this. Time maybe? Alex certainly had no idea about that. She'd mended her own heart after Maggie, falling into bed with Sara Lance had been too early, but it'd convinced Alex that she'd be capable of loving again. She had. She'd loved Sam from the moment she'd walked up to her wearing a bathing suit and holding lemonade the weekend she'd offered to mow the grass at the Arias household. She'd loved Sam the minute she'd seen the brunettes eyes darken when Alex climbed off her motorcycle the first time she'd taken Sam for a ride. The thought of getting over this, moving on to someone else was crushing. Alex had found love once and mended her broken heart. Now, she'd fallen in love again. She wasn't even sure she'd be lucky enough to fall in love a third time much less ever get over the crushing weight she felt whenever Sam's name flashed across her memory.

Her phone sounding in her hand gave Alex a reprieve from her thoughts, thankful for the distraction until she saw the second name listed just under a new message from Lena. She opened Lena's message first, ready to deal with the second one later.

Lena: I'll be back in an hour.

Alex responded quickly to let the CEO know she'd received the message before her fingers hovered over the second one.

Sam: Please talk to me.

Alex: I can't.

Alex has hit the button before she'd given the message much thought, now regretting it immediately. She didn't want to fight with Sam. She didn't want to make this worse by getting angry even though she felt her heart beating faster in her chest. She certainly didn't want Sam to be able to tell she was crying, making her broken heart known across the miles between National City and Metropolis.

Alex felt the vibrating in her palm, eyes beginning to open slowly, trying to ignore who she knew it was. She wanted to hit the red decline button hard. She wanted to answer. Neither one of those two things actually seemed like a good idea.

"Hello," Alex finally answers, barely able to get out the word at the emotion threatening to close her throat completely.

"Hi," comes a breathless whisper through the receiver. Tears sting Alex's eyes, heart racing at how dejected and broken Sam actually sounds. "How's Metropolis?" Alex asks after a few minutes of just listening to Sam breathe, trying her best to be cheery in the conversation.

"Everything is different," Sam says, her voice sounding more like the one Alex had hung on for so many months. "An apartment instead of a house. Ruby doesn't really love her new school, but she's making friends. I went to work at the L Corp office here. It's the same work but nothing like being able to just walk into Lena's office. And I..." Sam trails off. Alex lets out a loud breath at what she knows is coming. "I miss you Alex," Sam says just soft enough that Alex barely hears her. "So much."

Alex takes another breath, letting the arm not holding the new phone fall down by her side. "I miss you too," Alex finally answers, the emotion causing her voice to break on the last word. Alex goes silent, listening to Sam's shuddered breathing. It floods Alex's memory with her breath the night before she'd left. Hot, quick breaths on Alex's neck as Alex's hand moved between her legs. Long, forced breath as Sam had pitched over the edge into orgasm after orgasm. Now, all Alex hears is heartache in the way Sam takes a breath in, then releases a shuddering, broken breath back out.

"I meant what I said," Sam begins, "Alex, I.."

"No," Alex interrupts, louder than she intends to. "I can't hear you say that. I just can't," Alex gets out, tears streaming down her face.

"It's still true," Sam says, and Alex can't stop the quick spurt of anger even if she tries.

"No," Alex growls out. "You don't get to do this. You don't get to have sex with me, tell me you love me, leave, and make me feel bad about it. You aren't coming back Sam. It doesn't matter how I feel or how you feel," Alex finishes, ice in her voice. She waits for Sam to respond, heart rate picking up further and further as the silence stretches on and on. “Maybe it’s best we don’t talk at all,” Alex finally says, hitting the button to end the call before Sam even has a second to protest.

Alex’s eyes scream with the need to shed a tear, but she just can’t actually let them fall. Alex’s every nature is screaming to hold it in, forget it, not let it get to her. Alex’s brain tells her that is literally the worst thing that she can do.

Alex’s fingers clench at her side, fingers nails digging into the skin of her palm so tightly that she knows it’ll leave indents. She bites her lip, eyes wide in panic at the rush of emotions coursing through her. She’s furious. She’s heartbroken. More than anything she wants to call Sam back and tell her she’s sorry, tell her that she wants to talk, but needs time. She can’t do any of it. Can’t move from where she stands in Lena’s living room, breaths becoming more and more shallow. Alex has no idea how long she’s been standing there until the door clicks open, Lena’s smile transforming from soft to concerned before she’s moving over to Alex. She takes the phone out of Alex’s hands, noting the crack across the screen from Alex’s grip. She pulls her fingers between Alex’s, getting her to relax her hands. The smallest bit of tension leaving her body where Alex lets her hands open completely causes her to fall apart. It’s a loud, ugly sob that racks from deep into her chest and out of her mouth before it’s followed with shaking, earth shattering sobs. Lena holds her tight, moving Alex to the couch before she completely falls apart.

Alex can vaguely feel Lena’s arms wrapping around her, can almost hear Lena whispering in her ear if she listens closely. What she feels is absolute sorrow, devastation over potentially the last words she’ll ever say to Sam. Her entire body hurts as her chest burns with anguish.

“What happened?” Lena finally asks when Alex’s body has stopped shaking and her cries have gone silent.

“She called,” Alex says nodding towards the phone lying face down on the carpet. “She tried to tell me she loved me. I yelled at her Lena. I told her it was best we didn’t talk to each other anymore.”

Lena’s quiet, contemplative to the point that Alex knows she’s trying to figure out the best thing to say. It gives Alex time to pull away from the embrace, already feeling her emotions leveling out. It makes her feel hungover in a way, body aching from going to so angry to so sad in such a short amount of time.

Lena finally speaks, softer than Alex has ever heard her. “Do you agree with what you said?”

“I,” Alex begins, ready to defend herself until what Lena actually says sinks in. “I do,” Alex answers honestly, feeling the last amount of anger and fight leaving her body. “I don’t think her telling me she loved me before she left is fair, but I’m sure she felt like she needed to say it. I need to have at least a friendly relationship with Sam in the future for Ruby. I can’t just lose Ruby out of my life. Part of that is probably not talking to Sam until these feelings aren’t so acute and overwhelming.”

Lena sends Alex a grin, looking proud of her. “And Kara said you had the emotional range of a carrot.”

“She insulted me by calling me a carrot?” Alex laughs, already feeling better than she had just seconds ago.

“Kara’s never insulted anyone a day in their life Alex, you know that,” Lena responds, already standing to head into the kitchen. An hour later they’re eating dinner prepared by Lena’s housekeeper. It’s delicious. The conversation stays light, and Alex feels lighter than she has in a while by the time Lena slides a glass of red wine across the table to her. It’s easy for Alex now to see everything her sister sees in Lena.

__

It takes Alex almost exactly a month before she feels comfortable enough to go back to her apartment for more than enough time to grab clothes and other things she needs. Lena lets her stay and never questions it. Lena lets her take over her guest room with gym clothes and tactical gear and more leather jackets than Lena has ever seen in her life. Alex sleeps in Lena’s bed the first week before transitioning into the guest room. The room itself is so unfamiliar that it doesn’t cause Alex to be overcome with the sensory memory of the brunette that still causes her heart to ache with each breath she takes. Game nights happen weekly alternating between Kara’s house and Lena’s, and Alex watches Lena and James go from sad to awkward to the friends they had been before love had ever gotten in the way. It gives her a slight simmer of hope. A hope that while she’ll always love Sam, she’ll be able to be her friend one day. Maybe she’ll be able to go out there to see Ruby and Sam in Metropolis. Maybe she’ll be able to call the brunette her friend one day in the future. The thoughts give Alex pause even as they float through her mind. Something so deep as she feels for Sam now eventually setting into a friendship feels like wishful thinking, but it gives her hope that it’ll happen. It’s enough hope that around week two she stops crying herself to sleep. It’s enough hope to lead her to feel a little bit better about how it all went down when Sam left.

Now, she wonders what the hell she is doing as she stands in a department store watching Lena’s eyes light up with excitement as Alex dreads every minute of this.

“Ok,” Lena says clapping her hands excitedly. “Kara sent me pictures of your apartment. We need many, many things,” Lena grins good heartedly at Alex even though Alex knows it’s true. She’d neglected her apartment since Maggie left, not even a little bit interested in putting anything personal in it. “We need a new bed, new sheets, new pillows, and a new couch,” Lena ticks off, already pulling Alex towards the endless rows of couches. Alex wants to protest, but she can’t bring herself to do it. Something about seeing Lena Luthor in a department store in jeans and a t-shirt hell bent on helping her makes Alex take a deep breath, release it, and just go with it.

“Ok,” Lena says as she spins to look at Alex, hands coming together and wearing an excited smile. “First, a couch. From your extensive leather jacket collection, I’d say we should go with leather.” Alex watches Lena run her fingers over the cool leather of one of the couches. “Do you want recliners or not?”

Alex looks at the couch Lena is pointing at noting the reclining chairs on each side, a seat in the middle that can be covered with something that pulls down with cup holders on it.

“Leather can be hot can’t it?” Alex asks.

“On you?” Lean grins wickedly at Alex as she sends her a wink, “it absolutely is.”

Alex blushes hard, not really used to the way Lena flirts with her yet. She’s seen Lena do it to Sam, commenting on the brunette’s toned midsection more than once when they’d all been hanging out by the pool at Sam’s house. She’s seen Lena do it to Kara, sending Alex’s sister into nervous laughter and a bright red face.

“I know that,” Alex grins back. “I’m saying that if I bring a girl home and there is a leather couch,” Alex send a look at Lena as she trails off knowing that she isn’t going to bring a girl home anytime soon.

“If a girl goes home with you Agent, I’d be shocked if she didn’t expect you to have a leather couch,” Lena responds, already walking down the aisle to the next set of couches.

“What would you think?” Alex asks, coming up behind the CEO.

“If I went home with you, I wouldn’t be interested in the material of your couch,” Lena says as she continues to walk away. All Alex can do is grin and watch her go.

__

It takes hours for them to decide on a bed and couch, leaving them standing in the aisle where all the bedding is. Alex is ready to go home. Lena promises if she just focuses for another little while she’ll take her out for dinner and drinks that evening.

“We can celebrate your home coming,” Lena throws over her shoulder as she picks up another pack of sheets and begins reading.

“Or celebrate you getting your house back,” Alex responds, not even checking over the black sheets that Lena tosses into their cart. Those are followed a second later by deep red ones. Lena actually lets Alex pick out her own pillows but ignores her when Alex says she’d rather have the red comforter than the black one. “It doesn’t match,” Lena tells her, and Alex just shrugs, letting Lena have the final word.

When they finally enter Alex’s apartment, Alex groans at the smell. She throws some of the windows open to air it out, moving to the refrigerator while Lena sits the bags down to quickly discard the items in there into the trashcan. She sends Lena a wink as she takes the trash out. When she is back inside, Lena begins going over details with Alex. Alex feels used to Lena’s micromanaging at this point, grateful for it really. All she’d been able to do the first two weeks of staying with Lena was go to work, even that was a struggle. Work reminded her of Reign, the reason that she couldn’t have Sam in the first place.

“Ok,” Lena says again, “they are going to come to take the bed and couch to Goodwill on Monday and deliver the new stuff that afternoon. I’ll come over after work and help you put the new bedding out.”

“I can do that myself you know,” Alex responds, arching an eyebrow at the CEO.

“I know, but I know you won’t go to the grocery store. I’ll bring you food.”

Alex just groans again, dropping down onto her couch to sigh even though Lena’s attention is just because she cares.

“Don’t get too comfortable. Leather jackets and jeans don’t work for the place we are going to dinner tonight,” Lena responds, gathering her purse to head towards the front door. “I’ll be back at 7 o’ clock,” Lena says before heading out, not even looking back at Alex. It doesn’t occur to Alex that she hadn’t thought about Sam at all while she’d sat on the couch until she’s in the shower, already getting ready to go to dinner with Lena. She feels the emotion of it all acutely again. The tears well in her eyes. This time, she is able to take a deep breath, and focus on washing her hair. When her fingers dig into her scalp to condition her hair, her body shudders at the memory of Sam’s nails tangling in her hair.

Alex finishes showering quickly, checking the clock, and heading out the door. She has enough time to get to her destination and head back before Lena gets there.

__

Lena knocks on the door promptly at seven. Alex isn’t surprised by it, but she is completely taken aback when Lena doesn’t speak as Alex opens the door.

“There is no way you did that yourself,” Lena whispers, eyes darting all over Alex’s face.

“Nope,” Alex answers back as she runs a hand through her hair. She feels nervous now under the Luthor’s gaze. “What do you think?”

Lena takes in the whole thing. Alex’s hair hadn’t been long when she’d left her apartment earlier that evening. Now, the sides are almost non-existent, shaved close to the side of her head. The hair on top is shorter, brushed back and flowing slightly to the right. It’d been a split second decision, one that Alex regretted as the barber began running the clippers through her hair. When he’d revealed the whole look to her, it’d been worth it.

“You look stunning,” Lena answers as she reaches forward to pull Alex into the hallway. “The outfit looks good too.”

“I’m not surprised you think that since you picked it out,” Alex grins back.

“Wait,” Lena says as they walk, immediately stopping to push Alex back into the wall.

“What are you doing?” Alex asks quickly.

“This needs to be documented,” Lena responds back as she pulls out her phone. Alex stands awkwardly leaning against the wall, hands stuffed in her pockets.

“Lean back so that just your butt is touching the wall,” Lena begins, already stepping from side to side to get the best angle for the picture.

“Good,” Lena says. “Now, cross your right leg over your left.” Alex does as told. “Take your right hand out of your pocket and pretend like you’re adjusting your tie.” Alex does it. “Now smile softly.” Alex tries, and Lena just laughs. “Ok, look down,” Lena instructs, and Alex does so. “Thank of something really happy.”

The imagines flash across Alex’s memory quickly. Ruby winning a science fair, Kara’s first day on earth, Sam’s lips pressed against her own, and J’onn recruiting her for the DEO.

“Now look up,” Lena says. She takes the picture right as Alex’s eyes meet her own. The ache from thinking about Sam blooms in Alex’s chest as she moves to look at the picture. It’s muted though by the thought of Ruby, Kara, and her mentor.

“Send that to me,” Alex says eyeing the picture. It’s probably the best one she has ever had taken.

__

Alex is nervous by the time Lena drops her off, not really exactly sure how the first night in her apartment since all of it happened is going to go.

She takes her tie off, unbuttons and pulls off the button up shirt, and shucks off her bra in favor of a loose fitting t-shirt. She makes quick work of taking her boots off and getting out of the black slacks before she throws on a pair of athletic shorts.

Alex sends the picture to Kara first, delighted at the sheer number of heart eyes emojis her sister sends back. Winn and J’onn get the picture second. Their responses of “looks great” and “what a badass” fill Alex with a warmth that she only feels from her found family. She sends it to Ruby without thinking about it too much with the caption, “do you like the haircut?”

Ruby: Oh my god. I love it.

Alex: Thanks kid. Show your Mom.

Ruby: I will when she gets home. She’s on a stupid date.

Alex’s good mood fades immediately as she reads the words over and over again, breathing getting shallower with each one that leaves her lungs. Her heart beats fast in her chest at the thought.

Ruby: It’s so stupid. The girl looks like you but like a second hand, resale version.

Alex lets out a laugh at Ruby’s words even as she feels the tears start to slide down her cheeks because Sam is already going on another date. Maybe it should comfort her that the girl looks like her, but it doesn’t. Because Sam feels moved on enough to go on another date. Because Sam feels ready to connect with someone else. Because Sam doesn’t feel like Alex does. Sam isn’t comparing every single woman she sees to Alex. Sam isn’t comparing how it feels to hug another woman to how it feels to hug Alex like Alex is comparing every single touch to Sam.

Alex stands quickly, grabbing a bottle of scotch before she even has time to think about it. She takes a drink, letting the memories wash over her as tears slide down her cheeks at the thought of Sam with someone else. Now scotch tastes like someone else getting to live the future that could have been Alex’s. Alex lets the memories wash over her, the feeling of her couch digging into her back does nothing to quell her agitation. She takes another quick swig, then another, then another, until the bottle feels lighter and lighter and her head feels heavier and heavier.

She feels dazed when she hears her phone dinging multiple times in a row. She runs her fingers over the multitude of text messages.

Kara: Lena won’t stop talking about how hot you looked at dinner tonight with the new haircut. I’m going to puke.

Lena: Kara is lying to you. I just mentioned that it was a good look on you.

Kara: She literally asked me three different times if I’d seen the picture. She has described your outfit at least three more times and has mentioned at least ten times that you should have cut your hair ages ago. I’m going to send her to your apartment to stare at you if you don’t tell her to shut up.

Alex laughs through the dried tears on her face, more thankful than she ever deserves for her sister and Lena.

Alex: Not my fault little sister. Can’t help it I look so hot.

Kara: STOP.

Lena: She’s right Kara. I mean, damn.

Kara: I’M ENDING THIS CONVERSATION NOW.

Alex lets her head hit the back of the couch, still heavy feeling from all the alcohol. Her heart aches knowing Sam is out there somewhere on a date even as she smiles at her sister and Lena’s antics. The conflicting emotions of happiness and sadness, lightness and fear make her feel more confused than she ever has.

Alex lets her head fall back on the couch and takes a deep breath just as her phone dings again. She’s smiling when she opens it, expecting it to be more banter between Kara and Lena. What she reads is enough to make her heart stop.

Ruby: She hated her date. Apparently, the girl did nothing but talk about herself for hours. I showed her the picture.

Sam: I know you might not want to hear from me, but you look absolutely stunning Alex. The haircut is breathtaking. I can’t really put it into words.

Alex texts Ruby back first before opening up Sam’s message.

Alex: Thank you. Glad you like it.

Sam: Ruby showed me when I got home from the worst date of my life.

Alex: You can tell me about it if you want.

Alex settles back on the couch as she watches the dots pop up to indicate that Sam is typing, smiling as she reads over some of the things the woman she’d been on a date with said. It hurts to think about Sam with someone else, but this feels good. It feels good to joke with Sam and talk with Sam in a way she hasn’t in such a long time. It’s hours before they finally say goodnight, Alex taking in every word that Sam told her about their last month, Ruby’s school, and Ruby’s soccer games.

Alex hears her phone ding again as she gets into bed, hell bent on actually getting some sleep. It’s Lena’s name that she sees.

Lena: I hope you know even though you aren’t staying with me anymore, you’re welcome all the time. I had a good time at dinner tonight. We should do it again. Truthfully though, you looked absolutely ravishing tonight, Director.

It’s enough to allow Alex to laugh, toss the phone to the side, and fall asleep. She falls asleep with conflicting thought of Lena and Sam, not sure in the slightest what any of that means.


	4. Let me apologize.  I'll make up, make up, make up, make up for all those times.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is trying so hard to rebuild her life after Sam leaves, but it's harder than she imagined it would. Lena stays strong by Alex's side, turning from acquaintance to friend to so much more. It sneaks up on Alex, and she has no idea how to respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick Note: Chapter two of INAGLY and Wait are the same. Will be the same until chapter 13 when a decision has to be made. INAGLY is AgentReign endgame. Wait is AgentCorp endgame. Hope you enjoy!!

The first night in her apartment alone goes a little bit better than Alex thought it was going to. She falls asleep quickly, the emotional exhaustion of the last few weeks being enough to prevent her mind from thinking about Sam. It works until she wakes up, rolling to look at the clock to see it’s around two in the morning. The tears sting her eyes almost immediately at the thought of this time just four short weeks ago, Sam had been tangled around Alex, mouth melding together in a heated embrace. In her mind the images were easy to come by. Sam’s face when Alex had slipped her fingers inside of her. Sam’s face in the afterglow, eyes shining in the moon light with a soft small playing on her face. Alex tried to look up at the ceiling, but she could still see it. She tried to close her eyes tight, but that made the memory much clearer. Instead, Alex decided to distract herself, drifting into memories of her time at Lena’s over the last month.

She thought about the time they’d gone dancing. Alex had been surprised how free Lena was on a dance floor even though she wasn’t really sure why. She thought about movie nights, long talks, and falling asleep with the warmth of Lena’s body tucked against her. She thought about the time Lena had a terrible headache that wouldn’t go away even with medication and a hot bath. Alex thought about how soft Lena’s skin had been as Alex rubbed her neck, spurred on by the fact that Lena’s headache was decreasing with each rub of Alex’s hands over her tight muscles. When Alex wakes up the next morning, she gets the first glimmer of hope that maybe it’ll be alright.

The second month since Ruby and Sam moved away has its ups and downs, but it isn’t all bad. Alex enjoys a night out with her friends until she sees a woman standing by the bar that from the back is identical to Sam. It causes her breath to stop in her chest, her hand to clutch hard at a nearby table to hold herself up. When the woman turns, clearly not Sam, Alex all but bolts from the bar with Lena on her heels.

Alex stops after getting two blocks away, back hitting the concrete wall of a convenience store hard as she takes deep breaths, trying with all her might to steady her racing heart. She knows it’s coming when she feels Lena wrap her arms around her, pulling Alex into a hug as Alex gasps for breath. “You’re ok,” Lena whispers in her ear, finally allowing Alex to steady her breathing. “I’ve got you,” Lena whispers until Alex finally looks up, eyes shining with tears.

“What happened?” Lena asks, searching Alex’s face for answers. Lena’s hands are still gripping Alex’s shoulder, Alex holding on to Lena’s forearms for dear life.

“I saw someone. I thought it was her,” Alex breathes out, emotion of the moment making her feel completely drained.

“Come on,” Lena says, taking Alex’s hand to lead her back towards the bar where her car is parked. Lena says nothing as she drives Alex home. She says nothing as they both get changed into their pajamas. She says nothing until they’re pressed against each other in Alex’s bed, Lena’s arms wrapped tightly around her. Lena says nothing until Alex is fast asleep. “It’s going to be ok,” Lena whispers, but Alex doesn’t hear it.

After that night, Alex settles into a much easier rhythm. She talks to Sam every couple of days, sticking to topics about Ruby only. They talk about Ruby’s soccer games and Ruby’s school, Alex listening on baited breath as Sam talks about the little boy that Ruby now calls her boyfriend. Alex’s laughs loudly when Sam tells the story of the time she caught them holding hands while watching a movie. It’s easy for Alex to talk about Ruby. It’s neutral territory. She asks about Sam’s work, asks about her friends. They never go further than that, never talking about dating or love interests because it hurts too much. 

At first Alex goes four days without lying in bed thinking about Sam being here with her. Then, it’s five days before it’s a full week. After the third week of that second month, she’s able to sleep through the night without having to conjure up other memories to block it out. Alex is happier more. Her friends even notice it. Lena and Kara can see it though. The way Alex stutters over the mention of Sam, the way Alex brushes off every single girl that tries to flirt with her, and the way Alex beams proudly even now as she talks about Ruby. Kara doesn’t mention it. Lena only does when Alex wants to talk about it.

Over the third month with Sam and Ruby gone, Alex settles easily into a routine. She gets up early, going to the gym every morning, working out until her muscles scream in protest before having breakfast at Lena’s because Lena’s chef makes acai bowls like nothing Alex has ever eaten before. She goes to work, hell bent on being the best Director that she can be. She trains the new recruits longer, works harder, and makes sure to develop her own culture at the DEO. It runs so smoothly that they almost have nothing to do, bad guys being apprehended easily by the information they pass to the NCPD or from their own raids. They take down drug lords, rouge aliens, and people plotting to bring harm to their city with so much efficiency that Alex all but nods at the agents before they’re moving to carry out the plan. It leaves Supergirl free to take a trip to Metropolis to help Clark, a trip to Earth One to help Oliver and Barry, and a time to do the things that people love to see like Supergirl getting kittens out of trees. Alex’s reviews at the DEO are shining even getting a call from General Lane himself to tell her what a fine job she’s doing. Alex stays late, filing reports and getting things in order that have long not been taken care of. She works with other agencies to streamline paper work processes, updating personnel files, and even throws a beach day for the agents and their families. It’s perfect for anyone who works there, and Alex is proud. Absolutely everything is looking up until the night that she hears from Sam on the third week of that third month.

“Hey,” Sam says into the phone as Alex balances it between her ear and shoulder. She’s making dinner for Lena and Kara as Sam speaks. “I wanted to tell you something.”

Alex stops what she’s doing in that moment to focus on Sam, turning the heat off on the burner to prevent her from ruining their dinner. “Go ahead,” Alex says even though she can feel this ominous black cloud starting to form in the seconds between Sam speaking.

“I went on another date last week,” Sam begins, Alex releasing a harsh breath as the words sink in. “It was really great,” Sam says. Alex has to swallow a lump in her throat at the words.

“I’m happy for you,” Alex says. It’s the truth, but it hurts to say it. “But why are you telling me?”

“Because through everything, even if it doesn’t make sense, you’re still one of my best friends Alex. I still want your approval,” Sam begins.

“I want you to be happy Sam,” Alex says, feeling more defeated than she has in ages. “If it’s with this person, I’m happy for you.”

Alex listens to Sam breathe on the other line wondering what exactly Sam wants her to do. It seems like Sam wants her to say something. Maybe she wants Alex’s blessing. Maybe she wants Alex to fight for her, to beg her not to be with someone else. Alex is stuck between both options.

“I’ve got to go,” Alex says, “Kara and Lena are coming over for dinner.”

Alex doesn’t even wait for a response from Sam before she hangs up. She spends the next thirty minutes trying with all of her might to get it together to make dinner. She finishes it just as Lena and Kara come walking into her apartment, Lena carrying a bottle of wine and Alex’s favorite six pack of beer. Alex can tell by the way both of their faces fall at the sight of her that she’s doing an terrible job of trying to keep it together. It’s funny what happens next. Kara moves to wrap Alex in a tight hug that Alex doesn’t want. Hugs make her cry when she’s sad. Alex releases a shuddering breath, trying as hard as she can to stop the tear from falling that has already made its way to the corner of her eye. Lena pulls Kara away from Alex, silently opening and handing her one of the beers before taking her hand, pulling Alex towards the couch. Alex anchors onto Lena’s hand like a life line.

“What happened?” Kara asks at the same time Lena says, “do you want to talk about it?” Alex is thankful for both of them. Thankful that Kara isn’t going to sit here and not let her talk about it. Thankful that Lena gives her the option to stay quiet. The trust is that she needs them both. She needs someone to push and someone not to. She needs someone to force her to deal with it and someone to hang back and let her take her own time.

“Sam’s seeing someone,” Alex finally says after a few long sips of her beer. “She said she had a date and it went really great. I told her I was happy for her. I think she wanted my blessing.”

Kara sits quietly, mouth in a thin line because Alex knows she wants to say something that she deems too mean to say. Lena speaks up instead. “Alex, I know you love Ruby, but we have to draw a line here. She can’t keep doing this to you. I love Sam. She’s my best friend, but she has to understand that this is hurting you.”

“I know,” Alex breathes out, fight feeling like it’s knocked out of her that this point. They all sit in silence until Alex drains her beer and nods. “Ok,” Alex says. “We are going to have dinner, and we are going to watch this movie and we aren’t going to talk about Sam.”

Lena and Kara nod, easily standing up to begin setting the table. The rest of the night goes smoothly, Alex trying with all of her might to get the conversation with Sam out of her mind. She laughs as her sister talks about her attempt to flirt with the boy who works at the flower shop on the corner, completely mortified when he told her he was gay. She listens to Lena talk about her latest corporate nonsense that she has to deal with on a daily basis, and Alex has no idea how she does it. It’s easy to get lost in listening to Lena tease her sister about various things, Kara puffing her chest out and stepping into Supergirl mode to attempt to defend herself. It’s easy to get lost in the easy way Lena laughs, the easy way Lena moves around Alex in exactly the way she needs before Alex can think about it. Kara leaves well past midnight when Alex insists that she’ll be fine, leaving Lena looking at Alex in that way that she does when she expects Alex to break.

“Do you want me to stay?” Lena asks because she knows Kara is waiting in the hallway for her.

“No. I need to handle this myself,” Alex responds, smiling softly at Lena as she steps towards her. Lena kisses her on the cheek, laying a hand on Alex’s shoulder that says I’m here for you, call me if you need me. Lena leaves with a soft smile on her face. The sleep Alex gets that night is restless, a mix of the anguish that comes with Sam seeing someone else with the tethering strength that thinking about Lena gives her.

The next day Alex talks to Sam, tells her she can’t hear about the new person in her life, tells her it isn’t fair, tells her that she needs a break. All Sam does is apologize over and over again, the pull of wanting to keep Alex close mixed with her desire to move on and actually establish a life in Metropolis. They agree to not talk for a while, let Ruby tell Alex things she wants her to know without Sam being the one dictating the conversation.

Lena comes over at the start of the fourth month without Sam and Lena, holding a pizza and a case of beer. Alex can’t help but laugh at the contrast of it all. Lena Luthor is in her full L Corp attire, heels that cost more than Alex’s yearly rent, a dress that hugs her so perfectly and looks so good that she looks completely out of place standing in Alex’s hallway. The pizza and the beer just add to the contrasting effect.

“What’s in the bag?” Alex asks as she lets Lena in.

“On the way over here, your sister informed me that we weren’t doing game night. Instead we are going out dancing. I had to get some appropriate clothes.” Alex looks down at her own pajamas before she looks back up at Lena.

“Where?”

“The Honey Pot,” Lena answers, knowing leer on her face.

“My sister wants to go to a lesbian bar?” Alex asks, skeptical at the raise of Lena’s eyebrows.

“Your sister wants to put you in a place to meet women. Her way of doing that is suggesting going to a lesbian bar.”

“Is anyone else going besides us?” Alex asks as she takes a piece of pizza out and bites it, mouth immediately full.

“Two girls from CatCo that Kara knows,” Lena answers, taking a beer out of the fridge for both of them. “We’re meeting them there at eleven.”

They settle into eating pizza, exchanging small talk about their day as they do. By the time it’s past nine, Alex moves to her bathroom to get changed opting for jeans and a grey t-shirt, fully planning on wearing her leather jacket over it. She stands in her kitchen, drinking another beer and waiting for Lena to finish getting ready. One beer turns into two which turns into three before she finally hears Lena coming out of the bathroom. Alex would have stood there for three more hours for the sight that she is greeted with. Lena’s wearing tight, black jeans that she fills out in ways Alex doesn’t even let herself start to think about. She’s wearing a white t-shirt that stops just above her jeans showing off a line of skin that makes brain short circuit just a little bit. Her red bra shows through the white shirt. The look is finished with Lena’s hair loosely falling around her face and a pair of black heeled boots.

“You’re staring,” Lena finally says before Alex realizes that she is legitimately holding her beer halfway between the counter and her mouth, eyes wide as she takes Lena in. She’s never seen Lena dressed like this. She’s seen her dressed to the nines in dresses and heels. She’s seen her in her pajamas, in workout clothes, and in sweat pants. She’s never seen her look so casually hot, and it does things to Alex that she isn’t really ready to deal with right now.

They share another beer before grabbing a cab to head to the bar, Alex never really able to shake the haze from her brain at the sight of Lena.

When they walk in, they spot Kara and her friends immediately. Kara is chatting animatedly with a girl who is clearly hitting on her even though Alex knows her sister doesn’t have the slightest clue.

“I’ll grab drinks,” Alex says to Lena as she turns to head to the bar, looking over her shoulder to make sure Lena gets to the table.

It doesn’t take Alex long to grab their beers before she makes her way back over, Kara clearly drunk if the blue liquid in her drink is any indicator that someone had slipped her some liquor from the alien bar.

Alex slides Lena a beer as she walks up, smiling as best she can at the unsuspecting sucker that still is trying to flirt with Kara.

“Alex this is Katie and Taylor,” Kara says to the two women standing by the table. “They work with me at CatCo. This is Jamie,” Kara say gesturing to the woman Alex knew was flirting with her sister. “She’s a police officer.”

Maggie shifts through Alex’s mind before she pushes it away and smiles at all the women. “Alex,” she answers, shaking each of their hands. The song changes and Alex watches Kara absolutely light up in delight. “I love this song,” Kara squeals, immediately grabbing Taylor and Katie’s hands to pull them towards the dance floor. Alex, Lena, and Jamie watch them go.

“She isn’t gay, is she?” Jamie asks Alex. Alex just shakes her head, watching the woman walk off to a laughing group of friends.

The music is loud, Lena having to press close to Alex to be heard over the base pounding throughout the club. “A tequila shot and then you’re dancing with me,” Lena says, already grabbing Alex’s hand to pull her towards the bar. There’s a charge in the way Lena looks at Alex as they wait for the bar tender to grab their shots. Alex doesn’t know what it is, doesn’t know if it’s the atmosphere, the alcohol, or how green Lena’s eyes look in the dark.

They clink their shot glasses together before they both down the shots, Alex forgoing the lime in favor of watching Lena bite into hers. It’s intoxicating, and Alex wonders if she’s truly lost it at this point.

When Lena looks up at Alex, she doesn’t break her wide smile, grabbing Alex and pulling her towards the dance floor.

As they join Kara and her friends, Alex’s body feels like it’s on fire as Lena presses back into her. The club itself is hot, body heat all around them from where people dance. Lena dances into Alex. They’ve done this before, Lena’s backside pressing against Alex’s front. In these jeans though, Alex can barely look anywhere else except where their bodies connect. Lena laughs with Kara as they continue to dance, song after song changing as the crowd adjusts to each beat. Alex’s mind is hazy with thoughts of the past. Maggie had never been a dancer. Alex had only gotten to dance with Sam once when they’d all gone out so long before Reign had ruined everything. Now, she’s stuck in the contrast between them. Sam was taller than Alex, having had to bend her body a little more to grind into her. Lena’s shorter, barely having to press back to connect her hips to Alex’s. Sam had danced in a care free way, laughing and changing her movements every so often to smile at Alex. Lena is less playful but much sexier as she slides her hips in circles, grinding against Alex in a way that makes her heart pound in her chest. Alex remembers how it’d felt to have Sam dance into her, hair flowing down her back. Lena’s isn’t as long. Alex grips at Lena’s hips, softer than Sam’s had been under Alex’s hands as they’d danced so much months ago. Alex feels like her eyes are playing tricks on her, alternating memories of dancing with Sam with the reality of dancing with Lena right in front of her. She feels her breathing increasing, already feeling a full blown panic attack charging toward her. She lets go of Lena, pulling away completely to bolt out of the front door. She’s a block away, bent over with her hands on her knees, chest heaving by the time Kara catches up to her. Alex stands, taking deep breaths as Kara just stares at her, waiting as patiently as she can for Alex to calm down.

“Are you ok?” Kara asks when Alex stands, still breathing deeply.

“Yeah,” is all Alex can muster, completely confused at the thoughts rushing through her head. She sees Lena coming, concern written all over her face as she looks at the way Alex clings to Kara like a lifeline.

“Do you want to go home?” Lena asks Alex, Alex just nods her head when her breathing finally evens out.

Alex tells her sister to go back inside and have fun with her friends. She ensures that she’ll be fine. Kara watches them closely as they walk a block away from her. Alex sends one final smile over her shoulder as Kara walks back inside.

“Do you want me to call a cab?” Lena asks. 

“I think I need to walk,” Alex responds, already beginning to walk towards her own apartment with Lena in tow. Alex is completely shaken out of her thoughts by Lena taking her hand. It grounds her, calms her instantly. They walk in silence to Alex’s building, still holding hands when they walk through her front door.

“What happened?” Lena asks when she turns towards Alex.

“I,” Alex starts before she stops, not even sure how to explain it. “I felt like I was in two different bodies, watching myself dance with you while caught in a memory of the last time I danced with Sam.” Lena watches Alex closely as she looks absolutely panicked. “You two are so different, and I just,” Alex trails off, finally stopping to look at Lena who looks completely defeated.

“I’m sorry I made you feel that way,” Lena whispers, barely speaking as Alex notices the hurt in her eyes.

“That isn’t it,” Alex says. “These feelings I have for you they’re so conflicting with what I still feel for Sam, and I don’t want to screw this up.”

“Feeling you have for me?” Lena asks, tears already in her eyes.

“I didn’t realize it until tonight,” Alex answers honestly. “I’m attracted to you clearly, but you’ve done everything for me. You literally were the one that picked me up after everything with Sam fell apart. I don’t know what’s going on, but I can’t stand the conflict. I can’t hurt you Lena, and I have no idea what I feel truly. Even though it’s gotten better, I still miss Sam. I still want Sam. You don’t deserve to be anybody’s second choice.”

“It doesn’t work like that Alex,” Lena says, stepping close to hold on to the front of Alex’s jacket, causing the red head to lock eyes with her. “At one time, Maggie was your first choice yet you still went for Sam because Maggie wasn’t your first choice anymore. Things change as we change Alex. You don’t have to be stuck on how you feel about anything. If I didn’t want to be here, I wouldn’t be.”

“I know,” Alex whispers, hands hanging loosely at her side. 

“You deserve to be someone’s first choice Alex,” Lena says, intensity in her eyes that Alex hasn’t seen before. “You deserve someone who wants to have children with you. You deserve someone who wants to stay for you.”

Alex lets the words swirl in her head wondering what in the hell is going on. She tries so hard to make sense of the emotions, but she can’t. She can’t until she finds herself leaning forward, lips barely brushing against Lena’s. Alex pulls back the second they make contact, jumping back like she’s been burned, large eyes looking everywhere. “I can’t,” she whispers. She sees the tear welling up in Lena’s eyes before Lena turns and walks out, door slamming being the only sound of anything that had just happened between them.

Alex feels stuck to her spot, only broken from her thoughts by her phone buzzing and buzzing in her pocket. She finally sits down on the couch, taking a steadying breath as she pulls her phone out. She opens Kara’s text first.

Kara: Hey, I hope you’re ok. I just got home. Let me know you’re alright.

Alex responds quickly to tell Kara she’s home and she’s fine even that isn’t remotely true.

The next name surprises her and doesn’t help at all with the war waging in her head.

Sam: I know we agreed not to talk much, but I wanted to tell you something. You deserve to be happy Alex. You deserve someone who can be there, who can give you everything you want. Don’t not find that because of me.

Sam’s words echo what Lena had said, Alex’s heart pounding anew in her chest at the thought, the implications of what she feels for Sam and Lena opposing forces in her thoughts. Sam who she’d loved, Sam who had broken her heart because Reign and the trauma of it wasn’t something she could control. Lena who had picked up the pieces in Sam’s absence, making Alex whole again, and becoming such an important person to her. Alex had taken the risk with Sam, now losing everything in the process. But when she thinks about that, she realizes it isn’t true. Because there is Kara and James and Winn and J’onn and Brainy and Lena, still willing to stand at her side. Lena who seems willing to be more.

Alex doesn’t think about it a second more before she’s out the door, hailing a cab as quickly as she can to get to Lena’s apartment. She takes the stairs, choosing to run up twenty floors instead of waiting on the elevator. By the time she gets to Lena’s door, she’s soaked in sweat, breath heaving with the exertion of running up the stairs.

Lena opens the door at Alex’s knock, tears dried on her cheeks.

“I realized something,” Alex tries to get out between gulps of air. Lena just stands and waits. “I loved Maggie, with all of my heart. It didn’t work out, and I was heartbroken. I moved past that, but that doesn’t change that a part of me will always love Maggie because she was so important to me. I loved Sam, that one snuck up on me, but it doesn’t make it any less true. That isn’t going to work out either obviously, and it doesn’t hurt anything like it used to. I miss Sam now, but I miss Sam and Ruby the way you miss Sam and Ruby. It’s the pain of lost potential, but that doesn’t change the fact that it won’t happen. A part of me will probably always love Sam too, but you’ve loved people too. Sam and Jack and James were all people you loved in the past. That doesn’t mean you can’t love someone else, and it shouldn’t mean that maybe one day I can’t either.”

“What are you saying?” Lena asks.

Alex’s fingers move to Lena’s chin, lifting it up to direct their eyes at each other.

“There’s still plenty of us both left for this,” Alex says before she leans forward, lips firmly pressing against Lena’s. Because maybe they can build something out of all of this brokenness.


	5. Your love, I don't wanna lose.  I'm beggin, beggin, beggin, I'm beggin you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I've finally completely mapped out this story and will be getting back to it. I can't promise when you'll get updates, but I'm doing the best I can. Officially this story and I Need A Girl Like You will divert at chapter thirteen. Wait is AgentCorp endgame. INAGLY is AgentReign endgame. Read them both, read one, but be warned that there is some angst in this story. I hope you guys enjoy this!

When Alex pulls back, barely able to contain the giddy sensation running through her body, that soft smile is on Lena's face, the one that Lena has been using when she looks at Alex for quite some time now.

"Can I take you out sometime?" Alex asks, a spark of hope in her system that maybe she isn't broken, maybe she can find a way to fall for someone again.

"I'm not busy Friday," Lena grins, that all too familiar sensation of butterflies erupting in Alex's stomach.

"I'll be here at 7," she says before placing one more butterfly kiss on Lena's nose.

  
__

 

"Do you think this is a good idea?" Kara asks right after Alex tells her, watching her sister raise her glass to her mouth, hesitating with the sip as she takes in Kara's words.

"Of course not," Alex says initially, immediately defensive before she pauses. "Maybe. I just got so caught up in the moment."

"Do you like Lena?"

"Of course I do," Alex answers quickly, not a question that she really has to think about. "The way I look at it," Alex begins, thinking of the hours she spent the night she asked Lena on the date thinking about it, "we would have never been close if it wasn't for Sam leaving. Maybe it was always supposed to be this."

Kara pauses, thinking it over. "But you still love Sam."

"I do," Alex answers, taking a sip from her drink in an attempt to calm her thoughts. "But I think I'm always going to. It's been three months since she left. I can't just be sad forever."

"I don't want you or Lena to get hurt," Kara says softly.

"I know. I need to talk to her. I don't want to hurt her either," Alex answers, a whirlwind of emotion running through her at the thought of it, conflicting thoughts of how this should all go.

 

__

 

Alex decides to take Lena lunch the next day, opting to have this conversation on neutral territory just in case it goes wrong. She opts for Lena's favorite meal, salmon and salad from the shop right across the street.

"To what do I owe the surprise?" Lena asks, standing up to greet Alex with a quick kiss to her cheek.

"I wanted to talk to you," Alex answers, watching as Lena's face falls.

Alex is quiet as they sit down, distracting herself with getting out their food. Lena doesn't eat, doesn't look like she is breathing at all, as she watches Alex.

"You don't want to go on the date, do you?" Lena finally asks when it's clear Alex isn't going to speak.

"I do. I really do," Alex answers, biting at the cuticles of her thumb nail, a nervous habit, "I'm just so afraid that it's too soon."

Alex doesn't expect the smile she gets in return, isn't ready for how happy Lena looks in the moment.

"You don't want to hurt me?"

"Exactly. I was devastated over Sam, completely broken. You saw that. I feel something for you, something I didn't really want to feel again. I'm just worried that this is too soon, that this will ruin our friendship."

"Or this will work," Lena adds, causing Alex to look at her in confusion.

"You're afraid that this won't work, that we'll hurt each other. But what if that doesn't happen? Do you want to wonder about that?"

"I don't," Alex answers honestly. "I told you the other night that I felt like there was enough of me left for you, but what if there isn't? It still hurts when I think about Sam. I still care for her. You deserve someone who only focuses on you, someone who can give you anything."

"Alex," Lena says, reaching out to tilt Alex's head towards her. "You know my past with Sam. I still love her in a way. I still love Jack in a way as well. I'm sure you still love Maggie. That doesn't mean that this won't work with us."

"I desperately don't want to hurt you," Alex says.  "I don't know if I could live with myself if I do."

"Look, we will take this slow. We'll go out on our date, and we'll see what happens. If it's good, we can keep dating. If you don't feel like you're ready, we can be friends."

"You mean that?" Alex asks softly.

"I'm going to be clear," Lena says. "I want to do this with you, but I want to do whatever you are comfortable with."

Alex sits back, watching Lena eat out of the corner of her eye. Alex doesn't shy away from the soft kiss when she has to return to work.

 

__

 

Alex was nervous, barely able to stop herself from bouncing up and down on her toes as she waited for the door to Lena's penthouse to open. Alex rang her hands together, nervously brushing her hands up and down her shirt to smooth it out even though she'd ironed it. She fiddled with the tie she was wearing, not used to it even though she'd recently started incorporating them into her wardrobe.

The smell of Lena's perfume hits Alex just before she hears the lock begin to open. It seems like the world moves in slow motion as Lena opens the door. Alex can feel her mouth pop open, feel her eyes widen at the sight of her. Alex tries to form a sentence, tries as hard as she can to tell Lena how beautiful she is. There is a brief thought in her head of Sam in a sun dress, smiling at her, no doubt fretting with Alex's tie to make sure it's straight. Alex blocks it out, trying as hard as she can to focus on the beauty in front of her. Because she can't have Sam, but Lena wants her, Lena isn't running away, and Lena isn't letting Alex go. Alex can't deny the desire if she tried, the want to know more about the woman who had somehow picked her up off the floor. Alex stares and stares and stares, focusing all of her attention on the beauty in front of her. What a problem to have, Alex thought, pining for one of the most beautiful women in the world while the other most beautiful woman in the world smiles a soft smile at her.

She takes her time to look over Lena, trying to calm down her pounding heart. Lena's hair is tight to her head, moving down in waves to where it hang loosely over her shoulders. She has on more makeup than she usually did, the area around those expressive green eyes darker than Alex has ever seen them. The dark greys of her eye shadow contrast hard with the bright green of her eyes, and it makes Alex's heart beat faster in her chest. Lena's lips are dark red, a color darker than Alex has ever seen and god it makes her think of lipstick marks on white shirt collars and between her thighs. Alex pushes that thought aside quickly, a vision of Sam between her legs threatening to ruin her thought process again.

Alex's eyes continue lower to Lena's dark blue dress that dips low, showing off every inch of cleavage that wasn't down right scandalous, her collar bones and upper chest exposed to anyone who wants to look. The dress stops just above her knees before giving way to Lena's calves and silver heels. Alex tries as hard as she can to focus her breathing as she looks down at Lena's feet. Her eyes water at the intensity of it all before she looks back up at Lena, losing any progress she'd made on calming herself down.

Lena's smile is wide, clearly loving the reaction even though she has no idea the extent of it. "I..." Alex stammers before she stops. "You..." and there it was. Alex Danvers was completely and totally speechless at the sight of her, at the raw heat coursing through her system. It was exactly the reaction Lena had been going for.

Alex suddenly feels like she doesn't look good enough. Like her slicked back hair, light make up, and tailored navy blue suit with a floral tie wasn't enough. Because there was no way she could look good enough to stand next to the literal goddess that was standing in front of her. No way she could shine a light as bright as Lena's.

"You look amazing darling," Lena finally says, breaking the spell. Alex takes in a sharp breath, trying in vein again to steady herself.

"I have never seen anyone look as beautiful as you do right now," Alex finally gets out, feeling the pang in her gut at the last time she'd spoken those words. It’s exactly what Lena wants to hear, Alex can tell by the smile that meets her eyes.

"Ready?" Lena asks, watching closely as Alex snaps to attention. Alex's arm goes out, smiling like a child when Lena takes her elbow to be escorted to the car.

Alex had been nervous about this date since they'd planned it, wondering if she was moving too fast, not taking enough time to get over the loss before jumping into something else. She couldn't back out now, couldn't balk at the way Lena was looking at her.

The car ride is silent, Alex's eyes never leaving some part of Lena. As the car slows to a stop, Alex is determined to focus, set on making this night about her and Lena.

They were seated quickly, directed to a booth in the back for privacy, glasses of wine already being brought to the table, not seconds after they sit down.

Alex watches Lena swirl the wine, watching intently as she swallows it.

"I want to ask you something," Alex says. "You said before that I deserved someone that wanted to have kids with me. Do you see yourself having kids one day?"

Lena pauses, looking thoughtful over the question. "You know all about my Mother. For the longest time, I didn't want to be a Mom at all. I couldn't imagine doing what she did to me to another child. Then I realized that there are so many children out there who need help, children that would never get one otherwise."

"You'd want to adopt?" Alex asks.

They're interrupted by the waiter taking their order, giving Lena time to think about the answer.

"I'd like to do both. There is this really silly part of me that wants to be pregnant, that wants to lie in bed at night with my partner's hand on my stomach, talking to the baby."

Alex can't stop smiling at that, having envisioned a similar setting in her mind so many times before. That vision had been so intense that it had cost her Maggie, her first real love.

“I get that,” Alex answers honestly. “When I pictured my future, I never imagined having a husband or a wife, there was just this faceless figure there. What I always saw though was two children.”

“You’ll be a great parent one day. You were fantastic with Ruby,” Lena comments, her face twisting at the mention of the child of the woman that had broken Alex’s heart, one who Lena can understand all too well how Alex would have wanted to give her her heart without question.

“Ruby’s an easy kid to love,” Alex smiles, the memories of their time together floating through her system.

“Don’t take anything from yourself,” Lena admonishes. “She was great because you were there, holding her hand, making sure she was taken care of.”

Alex is quiet for a long minute, the silence heavy between them. The thought processes are interrupted by food being delivered, easier to focus on cutting steak and chewing than the heaviness of the subject. Because even without the romantic relationship between Alex and Sam there is so much trauma at the mention of Reign, so much possibility of death for every single one of them, Sam included.

“Tell me about little Alex,” Lena finally cuts the tension.

“Looking back now, I was a completely restless kid,” Alex says, finally lightening up a bit. “When I was really young, I was more advanced than other kids my age, and it made playing and making friends hard. I had this restless energy. Without it focused, I was constantly into things, getting in trouble, giving my parents a holy terror to deal with. When it was focused, when school got harder, it helped. Then, there was Kara, and it saved me. I focused everything into her after not wanting her around, and it allowed me to hone in on what I wanted to do.”

“I bet you were so cute,” Lena says.

“If you think I’m cute now, baby Alex Danvers would rock your world,” Alex says with a wink, causing Lena to break into giggles.

“What about college Alex?” Lena asks.

“College Alex was a fucking mess. Looking back on it now, I think it was because I’m gay. I didn’t realize it at the time, didn’t even consider it. I felt unlovable, and I used sex to try to prove something. I hated sex then, and I thought something was wrong with me. I wanted to get my degree, thought I’d be engaged at the end of college. Instead I was a mess, barely on track to get my PhD, and drunk all the time. J’onn saved me,” Alex gives a wistful smile, thinking back on all of that time.

“Do you think any of that would have been different if you came out earlier?” Lena asks.

“I think it would have saved me a lot of bullshit, a lot of hurt, and a lot of trouble. At the end of the day though, I think it happened the way it was supposed to.”

“Why do you think that?”

“I wasn’t any good for a relationship with a guy then, but I wasn’t good for a relationship with a girl either,” Alex shrugs. “I needed to grow up. I needed the DEO. I needed Maggie to drag that out of me. I don’t regret any of it.”

“You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for,” Lena tells Alex, looking at her with such wonder.

Lena pays for dinner even though Alex insists over and over that she doesn’t have it.

Alex hesitates at Lena’s door, not really knowing what she should do, because taking it slow means not going inside, taking it slow means not kissing Lena in the hallway of her penthouse.

“I enjoyed tonight,” Lena says, “but I think I realized that we truly should take this slow.”

Alex feels like she might cry, like she’s being rejected all over again, and it stings more than she’d like it to.

“I can see the pain in your eyes when Sam gets mentioned, and I understand it, probably better than you realize,” Lena says. “Maybe this was too soon.”

“No,” Alex says quickly, “Yes, it still hurts sometimes, but you’re the one that has made me heal, made me realize that there is a future that is more than being sad out there. I agree that we need to take this slow, but I want to do it.”

“I want you too,” Lena says, and Alex knows the next thing she says is going to end this, stop Alex completely in her tracks. “I want all of you that's left for you to give me though. I can’t have you while half of you still belongs to her.”

Alex watches the door close, can hear the click of Lena’s heels on the tile as she walks away. Alex feels the wave coming, that crash of emotions starting to build, and she knows the drop that’s coming.

The tears spring to her eyes before she can think about it. Alex lifts her hand, hovering just inches from the door, ready to knock any second. Alex hesitates, shakes her head, and walks away. Because it hurts, more than she wants to admit, but she knows Lena is right anyway. Alex goes home, conflicting thoughts of Sam and Lena threatening to send her spiraling back down an alley of drunken stupor. Instead, Alex wraps the covers around her, falling asleep thinking about who she is now and who Lena deserves.

 

__

 

Alex feels the transition over the next few weeks, her thoughts transitioning from Sam to Lena, even as she wonders every minute if it’s good for her or not fill the void in her heart with someone else.

Alex wonders what she’d think if she’d fallen for Lena first. It would have been easy to do, spend more time with the raven haired beauty, get lost in her intelligence and those green eyes. Then what? What is Sam had kissed her then, had insisted that she wanted to be with Alex. Would Alex have considered it? Would she have had to think about it at all? Alex isn’t sure of anything really, nothing other than one simple thing, life isn’t about the what if. Reign killed people, Sam left, and now Alex finds herself falling again, wanting something that she wasn’t sure she could even ask for at this point.

At the end of the day, maybe the most important point, was that Alex missed Lena. She missed fruit and coffee at her kitchen counter, missed wine and watching television shows on Netflix, and most importantly missed that knowing gaze, that soft smile when Alex needed it, that firm glare when she needed to be put in her place.

 

__

 

It's the simple things over those few weeks that draw Alex closer, moving her further and further away from the caution she feels. It's a simple touch across her shoulders during game night when the conversation turns to a mission they'd been on earlier in the week where an Agent died. It's a soft smile and a warm kiss on the cheek when Lena greets her even after the disaster that their date was. It's the way Lena gets drunk while out with their friends one Saturday and plops down in Alex's lap, taking her face between her hands to tell her how cute she is. It's other ways that surprise her. It's the way Winn stares adoringly at Lena after she tells him he's a genius. It's the way Kara follows her around like a little puppy dog, hanging on every single word. It's the way Lena's eyes light up when Alex sees her holding the new born baby of one of her L Corp employees when Alex and Kara stop by for lunch. More than anything, it's the way sparks shoot up her hand when Lena touches it, a careful dance of their palms across each others. It's the way it lights Alex on fire, makes her feel things that she wasn't certain she wanted to feel again. There's that voice though, always in the back of her mind, telling her to wait, slow down, don't hurt her. That voice keeps her up at night.

“Hi,” Alex says when Lena opens the door, the green eyed CEO in those sweatpants that Alex loves.

“Hey,” Alex answers back, pushing the flowers towards Lena with all the grace of a loaded gun. “I got these for you.”

“Come in,” Lena says as she takes the flowers, not saying anything else to Alex as she gets a vase, fills it, and leaves the flowers sitting on the kitchen island.

Alex stands their awkwardly, feeling more like the night she was in Lena’s apartment for the first time than somewhere she spent time at regularly.

Lena gestures to the couch, watching intently as Alex finally sits down. There’s a tension in Lena’s shoulders, like she isn’t quite sure what is about to happen.

“I’ve missed you,” Alex gets out, breath holding on to the last word.

“Me too,” Lena says back quietly, like if she says it any louder it won’t be real.

Alex had thought of so much to say, words to explain how she felt, a passionate confession that might make things go her way. Instead, she leans in, pressing her lips to Lena’s firmly, not moving for only seconds until the other woman responds.


	6. Wait, can you turn around, can you turn around?

Being friends with Lena Luthor is one thing, dating her is something completely different. Kissing Lena had been a lot for Alex to take in, specifically how different her body felt pressed into her. Maggie had been lean and small, Sara thin and ripped with solid muscle. Sam had been taller than Maggie but still lean. Lena's body is entirely different, more traditionally feminine, softer in places such as the outside of her thighs and her stomach. Her chest is larger, backside softer, and Alex feels it acutely when she holds Lena to her. They've done nothing more than kiss, a lot of kissing, but Alex finds her hands wondering over the curve of Lena's ass, gripping at her sides as she pulls her into her. She finds her mouth wondering lower than Lena's neck, dipping down onto the front of her chest when she wears the dresses that expose the skin there. But Alex never crosses the line into anything more than heavy kissing because something stops her. Something about going too fast, something about getting to know Lena more, something about wanting to be sure this happens when they both want it to. But god it's getting harder to do it. Because Lena's hands come around to unbutton a few buttons on Alex's shirt, because Lena scratches her nails lightly down Alex's back over the thin material of her DEO uniform, because Alex finds herself in cold shower after cold shower every single time Lena leaves. Alex's body burns with desire while they kiss, wanting nothing more than to take it further sometimes, but one of them always pulls away, one of them always says goodnight.

It's easy to fall into dating Lena, something so much more than just being her friend. It's everything from the quiet moments when Lena's head is resting on her shoulder, to the late night texts about working too late, to the silly way that Lena reacts when Alex tickles her. It's childish and fun, and Alex finds herself looking at Lena sometimes with nothing but warmth in her heart, no thoughts of Maggie or Sam or reservations or taking things slow, but there are times when she is painfully aware of exactly why she stops herself when she wants nothing more than to feel Lena's skin against her hands. Because one day in the coffee shop while Alex is waiting for her and Lena's coffee they call out a mocha latte with cinnamon on top, and Alex turns with her heart in her throat to see if it's Sam. It isn't, of course it isn't, but Alex can't deny that little spark of hope that blossoms in her chest. It isn't there long, doesn't burn in her throat and make tears spring to her eyes like it used to, but it unsettles her. It unsettles her until she's setting the coffee on Lena's desk, and is still there until Lena leans over to give her a sweet kiss, her thoughts shifting immediately to Lena. But Alex wants to be there completely when they finally take that big step. So for now she gives Lena a kiss on the forehead and lingers there just a few seconds before heading in to work for the day.

__

"Hey," Alex says, smiling sweetly at Lena, "you ready?"

Lena grins at her, standing on her tip toes as she grips Alex's leather jacket, kissing her firmly.

"What was that for?" Alex asks.

"You come into my apartment looking like a James Dean daydream and you expect me not to kiss you?" Lena asks, already moving to kiss Alex again.

During this date it's the way Lena looks when she throws her leg over Alex's Ducati, settling back on the small seat wearing a leather jacket that makes Alex's heart thud painfully in her chest. It's the way Lena holds onto Alex as they ride, keeping her fists clenched together, but letting go to rest them softly on Alex's abs when they stop. It's the way she leans into Alex for the ride, pressed close, warm on Alex's back. It's the way her eyes light up with wonder when she sees the huge projector screen at the bottom of the hill, a soft cushioned couch sitting next to a speaker box so that they can hear the movie that plays. It's the way Lena cuddles into Alex, pulling a blanket up over her. It's the way she holds her hand, making sure they're touching at all times. It's enough to quiet Alex's mind, enough to make it almost impossible to concentrate when she's driving them back. Standing at Lena's front door, it's the look in her eyes, it's the way Lena says thank you for a great night that has Alex leaning in to kiss her. She stops herself from going inside, relying on every single ounce of strength in her body not to follow Lena inside.

"Text me when you get home?" Lena asks.

"Sure will," Alex smiles back. Her footsteps feel heavy as she walks to the elevator, looking back twice towards the closed door before she takes a deep breath and actually leaves.

When Alex lies down that night, she texts Lena to tell her she's home. She gets back a picture of Lena, lying in bed, wearing a t-shirt that Alex left over there quite a long time ago. All Alex says back is goodnight because what she wants to say is I wish I was there, you look beautiful, I can't believe I came home instead of staying with you, but Alex knows it's the right decision, because she knows once she crosses that line it'll change their relationship forever, there will be no going back.

__

Alex is just tying her shoes when her phone goes off, Lena's name flashing across the screen. Alex answers knowing what's coming. Lena has to spend the night on the phone at her office, trying to salvage a merger in India that her colleague in Japan had almost ruined, and she has no idea how long she'll be. They'll miss their reservations for sure.

"Kara, Nia, Brainy, and James were going to the alien bar," Alex says, "I'll just head over there and have a drink. Let me know when you're done, and we'll get a late dinner?"

"Of course," Lena answers, "thank you."

But Lena doesn't have to thank Alex because she gets it. She knows she'll cancel at some point, knows that Lena will wait for her call while Alex is getting stitched up in the medical bay. It's just a part of who they are, a part of living the lives that they do.

Alex doesn't bother to change from the outfit she was originally wearing, opting to walk the short distance to the bar. Kara's ecstatic when Alex walks in, beaming her full 'I'm just a little bit drunk' smile.

"I thought you had plans," Kara squeals when her sister walks in.

"Fell through," Alex shrugs.

"Her loss," Nia flirts, "you look great in that outfit."

"It wasn't a date," Alex says, trying to stop their teasing before the questions get a little too close for comfort.

Alex is saved by James coming back to the table, sliding Alex a beer. Alex just watches them talk, watches her group of friends tease each other and talk about their days. It has been entirely too long since she'd spent the evening with them, too caught up initially in being heartbroken over Sam, now being a little caught up in hanging out with Lena.

"Where is Lena?" Nia asks.

"Working," Kara and Alex say at the time time, a strange look passing between the two of them before James starts talking about his latest print article for CatCo, a conversation shifting into a discussion about launching a larger digital format for the magazine.

Alex feels Lena's presence before she rests her hand on Alex's lower back, everyone at the table thrilled to see her. It's well past midnight at this point, and Lena just looks exhausted.

"How'd it go?" Alex asks when she turns to meet Lena's eyes, the rest of the table forgotten.

"I fixed it," Lena smiles, "but I could use a drink."

Alex moves away from the table, heading to the bar to get one for her. She can hear her friends enthusiastically greet Lena, happily catching up with each other as Alex waits for the bartender to pour Lena's martini.

Alex slides the drink in front of her, smiling as Lena drinks half of it in one long sip. "That bad, eh?" Alex asks.

"Never send a man to do a woman's job," Lena answers.

"Amen," Nia responds enthusiastically, clinking glasses with Lena.

It doesn't take long for the group to separate, each heading different ways to go home. Alex makes Kara promise not to fly home, standing awkwardly as the rest of them say goodbye and leave. When James is far out of sight, she turns to Lena.

"Are you hungry?" Alex asks, concern clear because she is pretty certain that Lena didn't eat lunch either. She doesn't know for sure, but she'd bet her life on it.

"More tired than anything," Lena answers.

"Want me to take you home?"

"Will you stay?" Lena asks, hope clear in the way she looks at Alex.

"I'd love to," Alex replies. She takes Lena's hand as they walk to Lena's car, settling quietly into the drive to Lena's penthouse.

It's in those moments that it hits Alex the hardest, when they're finally secluded in Lena's penthouse. Lena's wearing underwear and a large t-shirt, snuggled into Alex who is wearing shorts and a t-shirt, their bare legs tangled together underneath the covers. Lena's head rests on Alex's shoulder, her soft exhales tickling at Alex's neck. The normalcy of the day is what seems to do it, to send Alex into a thought process where Lena coming to meet her out after finishing work was normal, a world where Alex wouldn't have had to hesitate when Lena got there, unable to pull her into a hug in front of their friends, a world where she could have held Lena's hand, kissed her if she wanted to the minute she walked into that bar. Because it felt so normal to say goodbye to their friends, to sit in the car with Lena, to change into pajamas and brush her teeth and climb into bed with her.

Alex places a delicate kiss to Lena's forehead, Lena snuggling in closer. "Goodnight beautiful," Alex whispers, Lena long asleep. But Sam lingers there, somewhere in the back of Alex's mind, but her presence seems to be getting smaller and smaller with each day that passes.

__

Alex is delirious with sleep when Lena shakes her awake in the morning. "Alex," Lena whispers. Alex feels herself being dragged from sleep to awake, alarmed when she sees that it's well past 10 o'clock in the morning. Alex can't remember the last time she slept this late. She wipes her eyes as she sits up, Lena looking down at her with a soft expression on her face.

"Good morning," Lena says, leaning in to kiss Alex's cheek.

"Morning," Alex says, voice scratchy with sleep.

"I made coffee," Lena says, standing from the bed. Alex follows her, finally shaking the cobwebs from her brain to realize that Lena's wearing a robe that is just see through enough to see the outline of her undergarments beneath it.

Alex watches her move around the kitchen. She reaches for a mug, pouring Alex coffee. Alex doesn't have to say anything as Lena adds just a small drop of milk and a pack of sugar to it, just the way Alex likes it. Alex is completely caught up in watching Lena move around the kitchen. She stares as Lena puts toast in the toaster, watches carefully as she pulls it out and begins to put strawberry jam on hers and apple butter on Alex's. She grabs bananas and joins Alex, sliding Alex's plate across the table.

"Thank you," Alex says, voice quiet.

"Of course," Lena smiles back, but Alex can tell by the look on her face that she has noticed Alex's silence. "You ok?" Lena asks.

"I'm fine," Alex brushes off, "just have no idea how I got so lucky." And she means it, more than anything. Because anyone who finds love is lucky. Alex had been lucky to have it be Maggie that was able to drag her out of the closet. Alex had been lucky that Sam and Ruby came into her life, giving her new desire for the family she knew she wanted. Now, she was sitting in the kitchen with one of the smartest, most beautiful woman in the world, and all that woman wanted was Alex.

Lena's smile is blinding, smitten and happy, as she leans over to kiss Alex on the cheek.

"I'm the lucky one," Lena smiles back. "Are we still on for dinner tonight?"

"Of course," Alex says, "I've got to get going soon. I'm doing a work out with James today then training with Kara, but I'll be back here by seven."

"Just make sure nobody bruises that pretty face," Lena says.

Alex kisses her, softly at first, then pulls her close, lips molding together. Alex can't help herself. She can feel the warmth of Lena's skin under the robe as she lets her hands rest on Lena's hips, stepping forward until she's standing between Lena's legs. Alex slips her tongue into Lena's mouth, tasting the strawberry jam she'd been eating. Alex can only imagine the look on her face when she pulls back, Lena's eyes dark with desire.

"You'll stay over again tonight after dinner?" Lena asks.

"I will," Alex says, kissing Lena quickly before she heads back to the bedroom to change back into her own clothes.

She kisses her again and again before she leaves, almost having to pry herself out of the penthouse when James texts her asking where she is. Alex decides then and there that she's ready to take the next step with Lena, that if dinner goes well they'll be doing a little more than sleeping in Lena's bed tonight.

__

"Hey," Alex whispers the second Lena opens the door. handing her the bouquet of flowers she'd stopped to get on the way over.

"Thank you," Lena smiles, leaning in to gently kiss Alex's cheek. Lena reaches up to Alex's cheek immediately to make sure no lip stick is left behind.

"So," Alex says spinning around, showing off the navy suit, "still a James Dean daydream?"

Lena takes the time to look her over. "More like David Beckham," Lena answers with a teasing smile, "but still a daydream."

"Well you look stunning." Alex answers, taking in Lena's fitted red dress.

Having dinner with Lena is easy, talking to her is easy, from stories about Alex's childhood to Lena telling her about all the various experiments she had done in the past with Lex or Jack or just on her own, most of them resulting in explosions and epic failures. It's easy for Alex to listen to Lena talk, a striking realization every single time of how smart she actually is. 

It's the most automatic answer Alex has ever given, to say no when the waiter asks if they want dessert, to pay and take Lena's hand to lead her back to the car. It's silent in the car ride back to Lena's place, quiet as they ride the elevator up. When the door shuts behind them, Alex feels like there is nothing around them, nothing in the world except for the two of them. Alex feels the shift as she steps closer to Lena, Lena looking at her earnestly until their lips are crashing together, until Alex is pulling Lena close, finally letting her hands fall to Lena's backside to pull her closer.

The walk to Lena's bedroom is automatic, Alex could do it in the dark with her eyes closed, which makes it easy to walk it while kissing Lena, makes it easy to walk down that hallway while Lena's fingers pull at her tie, easily loosening it to drop it in the doorway of the bedroom.

Alex pulls back before they cross the threshold. "Are you sure?"

"I've never been more sure about anything," Lena answers. Alex runs her hands down Lena's back, over the swell of her backside, and to the back of her thighs, lifting her easily. Lena's smile is carefree, happy, as Alex carries her towards the bed while Lena peppers kisses to Alex's forehead. Alex is careful as she sits her down, reaching to the clasp of Lena's dress, unzipping it until she realizes her first mistake. The zipper is too long, Lena still sitting on some of it. Alex tries to be smooth about it, pulling Lena up to stand, kissing her as she continues to lower the zipper. Alex steps back, just enough to push the dress apart to slide it down Lena's body. She gets it over the curve of her hips, leaning down to move it down Lena's legs until it pools on the floor. Lena steadies herself with a hand on Alex's shoulder to step out of it, but her heel snags. Alex tries to correct it, but it's too late, Lena falling in a heap backwards onto the bed. Lena's laughing before Alex has time to even say anything about the mix up.

"Not exactly how I wanted to get you down on this bed," Alex laughs, "but I'll take it."

Lena's still giggling as Alex starts to take off Lena's heels, but she stops silent when Alex begins to unbutton her own shirt. She tosses it to the side, eyes locked with Lena's.

"See something you like?" Alex teases as she reaches to unbutton her pants, kicking her shoes off before she tosses them to the side.

"Definitely," is the breathless response she gets before she moves forward, leaning over Lena, using her forearms to hold herself up. She kisses her, soft and slow, taking her time in savoring it. Alex moves lower, nipping and licking down the curve of Lena's neck, across her collarbone to dip in the divot there, and back up, savoring and tasting the skin whenever she can reach, having waited entirely too long to have this much access to Lena's bare skin. She slides her hands under Lena, her back arching to give Alex room to unhook her bra. Alex removes it, and finds herself staring at Lena, lost in dark green eyes.

She maintains eye contact as she leans in, placing a delicate kiss to the area above Lena's heart before she slides her tongue over the skin there, continuing lower until she can circle a quickly hardening nipple. Alex flicks her tongue over it, Lena's back arching, pressing her chest closer to Alex. Alex sucks her breast into her mouth, tongue still circling a rock hard nipple.

"God Alex," Lena moans, breaking Alex out of her haze just enough to switch to the other breast. Alex moves slow, agonizingly slow as she takes her time to taste Lena's skin, to feel the small goose bumps that erupt where the tip of Alex's tongue trails across her skin. Alex continues lower until she can flick her tongue over the softness of Lena's belly, grinning when Lena starts to giggle as Alex's fingertips slide down her rib cage.   
They make eye contact as Alex hooks her fingers into Lena's underwear. She slides off the bed to pull them down, Lena sitting up as Alex drops to her knees at the edge of the bed.

Alex kisses the inside of Lena's knee, still looking at her as she kisses higher and higher until she can run her tongue through liquid heat. Lena's hands grip in Alex's hair, attempting to tug her closer as Alex gently runs her tongue over her, slow and soft.

Alex's brain feels fuzzy, like she's outside of her body watching someone else do this. Because Lena's fingernails feel too good scraping against her scalp, Lena's thighs feel too much like velvet under Alex's hands, and there's something entirely too intoxicating about Lena's scent, her taste coating Alex's tongue with each swipe of it.

Alex circles her clit, flattening her tongue out to broadly sweep over it, Lena's fingernails digging harder into her scalp as she finally puts more pressure on her. She increases her speed, Lena's moans only getting louder as Alex sucks her clit into her mouth.

If Alex thought something was overwhelming about going down on Lena, making her come is an entirely different experience, empyrean almost. Because Lena's gasps keep increasing in intensity, her fingernails digging in deeper, her thighs starting to close around Alex's ears. Her entire body shudders when she comes, the moan leaving her lips the sexiest thing Alex has never heard in her entire life.

Alex can't help but flick her tongue over Lena a few times, loving the way her hips shudder with each touch to her sensitive clit, until Lena is pulling at Alex's hair, tilting her head back to look up at Lena.

"Come here," Lena says, pulling Alex up, lips crashing together. It takes a lot of shuffling, turning, and giggling to get to the head of the bed while Alex is trying to get her bra and underwear off at the same time, Lena interrupting and making it one hundred times harder by keeping her hands firmly on Alex's abs, until they're on their sides facing each other, legs and arms tangled together.

The kiss in languid at first, just lips softly sliding against each other, until Alex slides her tongue into Lena's mouth, the feel of Lena's tongue mixing with the taste of her sex still fresh on Alex's. Their hands slide over each other's breasts, pinching and massaging, fingernails trailing over backs and across sensitive stomachs, Lena taking the time to run her fingernail between the divot of each line of Alex's abs.

"You are so hot Alex," Lena says as her nails dig harder into Alex's abs, leaving angry red marks across them. She flattens out her palm, sliding it down until Alex has to part her legs to give her more room. Lena's strokes are broad as she slides through slick folds, running from her entrance to her clit, wetness coating her fingers. It takes a second to find a rhythm, but Alex knows they've hit it when Lena starts to circle her clit at exactly the right speed with exactly the pressure Alex needs. Alex can feel it, the sparks shooting from her core, building and building, spreading and growing. Her forehead rests against Lena's. She's almost embarrassed by the way she ruts against Lena, but Alex's orgasm quickly approaching is enough to make her forget about that. Alex comes, hard and fast, with Lena's hand still moving between her legs, bringing her down slow, extending each ripple of pleasure with each stroke of her hand.

"Shit," Alex breaths out, head falling back onto the pillow. Lena wraps around her, sweat drying on their heated skin.

"Why did we wait so long to do that?" Lena asks, voice scratchy with arousal.

"I have no idea," Alex answers honestly, too caught up in how it feels to have Lena's skin against her own.

"I hate to bring this up now," Lena says, "but I think we need to tell our friends about this."

"Oh, I have no problem telling James, Nia, and Brainy," Alex responds. "You can tell Kara."

"No darling, you aren't getting out of that one."

"I can think of ways to distract you," Alex says, turning quickly, easily landing on top of Lena.

"I don't doubt that," Lena replies, pulling Alex into her. And Alex knows the conversation isn't over, knows they will indeed have to tell her sister, but for now, she's fine to not talk, fine to spend the rest of the night with Lena's lips on hers.

__

Alex decides to tell Kara with Nia present, hoping it'll decrease Kara's reaction, hoping it won't make Kara go into a tail spin about her sister keeping it quiet, and hoping more than anything that Nia's reaction will ensure that Kara doesn't stomp out of the room.

That's why they're sitting in Alex's apartment, Nia and Kara both staring at her, Nia neutral, Kara looking somewhere between terrified and excited. Alex had already busied herself with getting them something to drink, small talk, and typing her shoe to delay the inevitable. 

"Ok, Alex," Nia finally says, "this one is about to vibrate us both off this couch. Please tell us what it is."

Alex looks between the two of them. She can also feel Kara's anxiety, and Alex thinks back to the times they've been sitting in situations like this. Your father is dead had been one of them. Your best friend is dead had been another. Sam is Reign. I'm gay. My Mom is still alive. All series and life altering conversations. Alex's face softens immediately at what Kara must be feeling so Alex takes a deep breath.

"Lena and I are dating," Alex rushes out, just fast enough to show her nerves but slow enough for them both to hear her.

"That's great Alex," Nia says, quickly standing to pull Alex into a hug. "I thought something was going on, and I'm so happy for you guys."

Alex is caught up for just a second in Nia's reaction before she begrudgingly turns to her sister. What she expects is anger at keeping the secret, maybe tears that Alex hadn't told her, but what she finds it pure exhilaration before she's subject to a full blown Kryptonian hug that almost throws her across the room, certainly makes her bones protest at the force of it. "I wish you had told me earlier," Kara says, "but I'm happy for you." Kara looks like she's contemplating something for a second before she smiles even bigger. "I knew Lena looked happier lately, but I wasn't sure why. Be careful with her though," Kara says softly, "Lena puts on a big front, but she has been hurt a lot. Don't be another one."

Alex swallows hard at that, knowing it isn't something she can promise with everything in their lives, with every bit of their pasts coming into play. Instead Alex just hugs her sister back, savoring the feeling of love that engulfs them.

__

Alex is nervous about this one, maybe even more so. Deep down Alex knew that no matter how Kara had reacted to the news that there was no way she'd ever leave Alex's side, but she doesn't know that about James. She likes the guy, a lot, but she's not sure how he's going to take the news of his ex dating his friend. Alex can only imagine how she'd feel if James came in to tell her he was seeing Maggie. Her leg bounces in nerves as she waits for Lena to get there, Brainy and James both giving her skeptical looks. When Alex's phone chimes, she knows she's in this alone, Lena stuck in a meeting that is going entirely too long. Alex shakes her head before she looks between the two of them.

"Lena and I are dating," Alex says, slower than she'd revealed the news to Kara and Nia.

"Is this something we were not aware of?" Brainy asks, looking between Alex and James. "Ah," he says, "this is one of those times where we are all aware of something but for some unknown human reason we pretend that we are not."

The news doesn't seem to phase Brainy, but James is quiet.

"Look," Alex says, turning her attention to him, "I hope you know that I had nothing to do with the two of you breaking up. I never intended for this to happen, and I hope you know I'd never do anything to hurt you on purpose James."

Alex's words seem to get James's attention. "It's funny, one night Lena told me every quality she wanted in a lover, and I had the thought that she was describing you a lot more than she was describing me. I want her to be happy, and I want her to be safe. There is no one that I think can do that better than you."

It's entirely too nice, and Alex has to take a deep, shuttering breath before the tears spring to her eyes.

"You mean it?" Alex asks quietly.

"I do," is the response she gets before James changes the subject, switching on a soccer game to complain loudly about the terrible coaching staff. The shift is abrupt but not surprising at all, the confession seeming hours away when Brainy begins discussing the probabilities of success with the new coaches James begins to list.

__

"Thanks for bailing on me today," Alex says when she enters Lena's apartment, pulling her in for a kiss.

"I really am sorry," Lena says, pulling Alex in for a deeper kiss. "I can think of ways to make it up to you," Lena continues, hand already running over Alex's shirt covered abs.

"As much as I'd love that," Alex says, "we need to talk about something."

Alex's voice is serious, causing Lena to worry immediately at what happened when Alex told Brainy and James. "We need to tell Sam."

Lena looks contemplative, almost sad, when her eyes meet Alex's. "She knows I'm seeing someone," Lena begins, "we still talk of course both personally and professionally, but she doesn't know it's you."

"How do you want to do this?" Alex asks, still holding Lena tight.

"I'll talk to her first," Lena says, already reaching in her pocket to pull her phone out. "Will you stay just in case?"

"Of course," Alex responds, placing a kiss to Lena's forehead, but she can feel her own heart hammering in her chest, more worried about telling Sam than anyone else. They've got so much to lose with this one, mostly Ruby, but Sam is Lena's best friend, and Alex doesn't want to be the one to ruin all of that either.

Alex feels her palms getting sweaty as Lena picks up the phone, her heart hammering even harder as the phone rings.

Alex can barely breath as Lena and Sam go through the small talk of how they're doing, some quick things about what has been going on outside of work, before the silence seems a little too long.

"What is it?" Sam asks quietly, like she's waiting for the shoe to drop, and Alex can only imagine what she might think Lena is about to say after Reign, after all the chaos and uncertainty.

"Alex and I," Lena begins, pausing just long enough for Sam to fill in the silence.

"It's Alex that has been making you so happy," Sam says softly, like she's confirming what she already knew, like this isn't a surprise to her at all.

"It is," Lena says, holding her breath waiting for Sam's response.

Sam laughs softly, not an angry laugh, but something along the lines of resignation. "I'm not surprised. We all know how easy it is to fall for Alex," Sam finishes, and Lena can't help but grin.

Alex gets to sit there through their best friends talking about one of them's new significant other. Alex listens while Lena talks, smiling when she tells Sam how good it feels to have someone like Alex, her stomach only twisting a little bit when Sam tells Lena about the guy she's been dating for a few months now.

"You're ok with this?" Lena finally asks.

"I want you both to be happy, and I truly believe Alex can make you happy," Sam says. Alex listens while they say goodbye, not finding any hesitation or sense of a lie in Sam's words.

When Lena hangs up, she falls into Alex, the silence filled with kisses. "Are you sure you can't stay tonight?" Lena asks.

"You've got a call at midnight with that guy in China, and I have to be at the DEO at 3 AM for mission prep. I'm sorry babe," Alex says, pulling Lena close again.  
"Work is stupid," Lena grins at her.

"So stupid," Alex says pulling her into another kiss.

__

Hours later, after dinner and far too much time spent on the couch making out, Alex goes home. Her phone rings the minute she gets home, Sam's name coming across the screen. Alex can barely get out the hello at the myriad of emotions she feels.

"I want you to be happy," Sam says so softly that Alex strains to hear it, "even if that isn't with me."

"I hope you know that none of this is what I intended," Alex replies softly, voice cracking with the emotion threatening to overwhelm her, "you just can't help who you fall for."

"You really can't," Sam says into the phone, the emotion in her voice clear no matter how much Alex wants to ignore it.

"Goodnight," Alex says, exhaling a deep, shaky breath.

"Bye Alex," Sam finishes, a sense of finality in her tone.

Alex takes a deep breath, knowing that it could have gone a lot worse than it did, but her heart huts at the sadness in Sam's voice, even though she put on a happy one when she'd talked to Lena.

Alex's phone buzzes in her hand, two text messages coming through at the same time. One is from Lena telling her goodnight, telling her that she can't wait to see her the next day. One is from Sam. Alex reads it slowly. 'I should have been more honest with you. The thought of you and Lena breaks my heart, but I'm a hypocrite because you know I'm seeing someone else as well. She deserves someone like you Alex, and you deserve the world. I sincerely wish you both well, but I guess now I know how you felt when I left.'

Alex feels the sting of tears in her eyes at the words, that same feeling digging into her heart that started so many months ago. It makes Alex angry. Sam left, leaving an I love you with a note on a pillow, not even bothering to say it in person. Now, she doesn't even tell Alex the words herself, just sends it in a text. Alex is more than angry, almost furious at the thought of it. Sam is with someone else, and Alex finally, was finally feeling like she was definitely going somewhere great with Lena. Alex ignores the message, instead texting Lena back to tell her goodnight, to tell her she wishes she'd stayed over there instead of coming home, tells her she can't wait to see her again either. Because Alex hadn't been worth it to Sam, hadn't been worth staying, hadn't been worth saying the words out loud, hadn't been worth waiting for or long distance or anything other than something impersonal like a text message. But it hurts, it hurts a lot more than Alex wants it to to feel the rejection again and again, to feel like she isn't worth being someone's hard choice.

There is this terrible feeling of doom in the pit of Alex's stomach when she lies down to go to sleep. It settles when she gets a kissing face emoji from Lena just seconds later, but it isn't gone completely. And Alex knows better, she knows that something always happens when she feels like this.

She knows that the other shoe always drops even if she isn't sure where that'll happen. This time she's not entirely sure she'll survive the crash.


End file.
